speechless

Empty.

She sat on the corner. Almost breathless. She felt her lungs, trachea, and chest stuck by something burning. It was hurting and killing like hell. When something broken or even just scratched it just not the same no matter how perfect it would be fix. The hurts just stayed inside those memories without faded, blurred, just there. She praying for the killing besieging torture just shut up and goes away. Leave her alone with her already unhealed torn apart dark red heart that maybe where her vulnerable soul faded to somewhere that might be peace. Eventually, that made her living dead. How can she express how damn bad her feeling? How can she tell them it was killing her inside, how that unbearable torture just shut the light inside her that enlighten her soul to go through all the dark way in finding the life of sanctuary that she been dreaming every single minute in her life. When the light just blew off without her willing, it would not be glow by itself. That time, the living dead knew she needs someone or just even something.

She is staring at him. Her eyeballs fit in the socket nicely to look straight to his back. She can’t be notice. She has her own reasons to not be easily slipped into man’s arm. She knows her own feeling. But her mind completely got different thought and perspective compared to her feelings. We used to be telling by older to not follow our feelings but think first. But in the other hand, thinking is the block. Block that stuck our mind from set free and fly through the wind and reach our dreams. It just no one cares neither we are thinking or just jump into our overwhelming heart. The outcomes just exactly strike towards our face no matter it worth or worse. But the splashes probably feel by people besides us. Thus, sometimes sacrifice justified our judgement. Back to her situation. Things that spinning around her logical and acceptable thinking is everything that happen around her. She just too young to be dragged into those situation and stories. Unsuccessful marriage, broken family, and family relations problem. Until, she just can’t let herself go through the loving process because she knew where the relations headed. Broken heart.

The bell rang. Her attentions on class just catch by that boy. No regret for her. At least she was in happy feeling for a while by enjoying her teenage feeling. Just get over it. A glimpse of heaven for young girl, adults should understand probably. Every mankind have feeling no matter where it is channel to. Teenagers want the freedom but they need guidance while some parents think teenagers just know to screw things up and need bad-police-role from parents. We all knew how it ends up if we cut a wrong wire from the time-bomb. It just the same situation for the teenage time-bomb.

Her father’s car was waiting for her. She can see her father from her classroom as her class just after the school entrance. During her lesson she can see cars passing by and sometimes she losted her attention in class by the scenery of the road. Nothing special or amazing just moving car with different speed, colours, shape and drivers. It takes nothing to make people lost concentration in anything they are doing if they already got dazzled by something. She is walking vastly to not let her father angry. His mood swing bored her. “How was your school today?” “Just fine, nothing important to be talk of beside my mathematics teacher pinched me” I replied with a sigh in it. “That was good, you would realized your mistake” I already knew it dad. Thanks. Is that rude? I considered she was not rude as it was just monologue. We can’t keep our thought forever. One day when we can’t hold it anymore we just pissed off and present that thought in the way we are not meant to worse it. But nothing can be clear up while we don’t have the strength. It is matter of time.

It takes about 10 minutes for her to get home. The protective value inside her parents benefits her safety. There is no parents in this living doesn’t love their heir. But it is about do all of them show it in the best and perfect way? The answer is: no. Absolutely. Her beautiful cute little sister opened the door and her youngest brother run towards her with his mouth full of chocolate and big wide smile. Siblings just not a big problem, but when there are too many children in one house the scene wouldn’t be nice. ‘Many’ in term of child depends on people. Some said 5 is just okay but some think that are gross! For this girl, I know 5 weren’t good for her. How would I know? I just knew. Just look inside her heart. It is bleeding with her angriness, unsatisfied feeling and confused.

There is a big difference of feelings when we enjoy our time and when we wish we just died at that time. When it comes to the moment of cherished she wishes it never last. Everyone did it; just love the white part while the black side we wished it never happened. Without knowing it was a part of the life’s experience. That would complete the fragments.

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