My Memoirs

I was born amidst the collision of a meteor and a Tyrannosaurus Rex. As the dust and debris covered the sky, I rose from the depths of a five thousand foot crater. Ash blacked out the sun. Pangaea began to crack and drift apart. I was born. I walked among the reptiles of old. Stegosauruses wanted me. Brontosauruses wanted to be me. I was all that was awesome. I survived the Ice Age. I lived while my fellow reptilian friends died. Soon, I began to notice more species akin to myself. They were freezing and starving. I brought them fire. We built empires in South America. Then, I was bored, so we abandoned them. I built the Pyramids of Giza in one day. I tamed horses and built carriages. I made a city over water. I built the Colosseum for fun. Ceaser stood up to me. I tore him down. I moved to the Island of Britain and made it Great. I created the Black Death when I sneezed. I painted the Sistine Chapel. I moved to the New World and helped it grow. I defeated my old home with one fell swoop of my magnificent fist. George Washington and I were best friends. I conquered the West by fist fighting all who stood against me. I saved the Alamo. I ended the Civil War by winning a drinking contest against the whole Confederate Army. I told the Wright Brothers my idea of flying during a frat party. I started World War I by misusing my power of mind control. I caused the Great Depression by losing a poker game. World War II was not my fault. I fathered Chuck Norris. The Cold War was my fault. I was the winning factor of the Vietnam War. I married Audrey Hepburn in 1956. I was the first to land on the moon. The Hubble Telescope came from one of my dreams. I directed the Back to the Future Trilogy. September 11, 2001 never happened, but I still killed Bin Laden via laser vision. I stopped an alien invasion with the help of an army mainly consisting of polar bears. Polar bears naturally eat aliens. I invented inter-planetary travel. I moved to Glarblar, the planet of the Glarblarins. I became their king. We waged war with the Omega Centauri, Canis Major Dwarf, Virgo Stellar Stream, Sagittarius Dwarf Elliptical, and Large Magellanic Cloud Galaxies. The Glarblarin forces and I won the war in one epic battle that lasted over seven hundred billion years, which seemed like a second to me. It is I, Master of Space and Time, Husband of Audrey Hepburn, Father of Chuck Norris, Victor of Wars, Savior of the Alamo, Founder of Empires, Builder of Pyramids, Starter of Civilization, Leader of Dinosaurs. I am neat.

Comments on My Memoirs