Anorexia : In My Head

Read if youre interested. just some Anonymous bullshit.

I've been in treatment three times, mom wants me to go back
My 18th birthday is in 4 months give or take. I'm not certain (mom threw away the scale.) but last time I was 94lb. I'm smaller now
My boyfriend thinks I'm too skinny. I wish I could make him happy the way I used to. He's used to this by now.
Meanwhile all I can think about is what I'm going to eat(hot and sour soup) how I'm going to feel after (bloated, sick) and parts of me say not to eat it. I want to gain weight, it's JUST soup after all. But I'm going to feel like shit after and I could even binge. Lose control. It's delicious. I hate to admit that. It's just soup.
Most anorexics are afraid of gaining weight. I'm not.. My body looks disproportionate. My stomach is so big. Everything else is nasty-thin. Thigh gaps and wrist bones.. Bruises. No butt.. I'm a 34a.
I feel so sick. I have no energy or strength. I'm so moody all the time, it's hurting my relationship. People with eating disorders hate it when they're told to "just eat".. I wish it was that simple. My boyfriend thinks I can recover over night. He doesn't think it's a disease.
My mom tries to get it. She's starting to understand more. Everything got worse when my grandma died. Next week were going to Sedona AZ to spread her ashes. It's been a year. I'm worried about eating/purging.. 5 people including me my mom/aunts. One bathroom. What if they want to go to a restaurant?
My eating disorder owns me

Author Notes: Fml

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