A Horrible Secret
by Alexis Kypridemos
Psychologist Dr. Manic sat at his desk, awaiting his four o'clock appointment. He checked his watch. The little hand had not swiped past twelve when the door opened. Dr. Manic looked up.
The patient was a man in his mid-thirties, slightly plump, slightly balding, and a businessman, judging by his suit. Dr. Manic was confident that whatever this man's problem was, he could fix it. In the appropriate number of sessions, of course.
The man sat on the couch across from Dr. Manic's desk, and launched right into his problem. "I...there's something," he began nervously, "A..secret, I'd guess you call it, something that I keep from most, well, everyone."
Ah, thought Dr. Manic. Yet another man with unremarkable feaures, prematurely entering middle age, who, because of his justifiable lack of success with women, automatically assumes that he must be a closet homosexual. Dr. Manic dealt with several of these cases every year. Even though he could treat them for breakfast, he usually did it over five sessions, at two hundred dollars a session. Dr. Manic smiled. "Go on," he said.
The patient blushed. "Something...well, I'm not exactly ashamed of it, or perhaps I am, but in any case, it's a bit akward, embarassing, actually would be the word for it..." The man's voice drifted off. Dr. Manic was not concerned. These types always took their time to cut to the chase. "Please, take your time," Manic said.
The patient cleared his throat, took a deep breath, and began again. "You see, I haven't told anyone this, in fact I've had to lie about it...I- I've never been with a woman." The patient paused to let the information sink in.
Despite his best efforts, Dr. Manic's face contorted once, twice, and then, not able to contain himself any longer, burst out into vindictive hysterics, his entire face going red.
The patient looked like he might die from shame.
Dr. Manic whistled loudly. "Wow! You've certainly taken your time about it! Oh, Jesus, oh," he paused to catch his breath from the uncontrollable laughter. "Another five years and you'll be the forty year old virgin, just like the movie! Ah, ha, ha, ha!"
The virgin patient scowled and walked out, slamming the door. Dr. Manic called after him: "Make sure no chicks trip over your dick, now, you player, you! Ah, ha, ha, ha!" Dr. Manic wiped the tears from his face, blinked a few times, and muttered, "That guy needs help."
Author Notes: "A Horrible Secret" is part of the collection "Fiction Fix," available at http://www.fiction-fix.com