What the hell do you mean she’s dying? I water it, feed it fertilizer, and give it plenty of sunshine, and fresh air.
But do you love her?
You heard me.
I heard you, but I don’t believe what I heard.
Please answer the question, do you love her?
I don’t know, I suppose I do. How the hell do you love a plant?
Do you talk to her?
No, I don’t talk to it. Are you nuts?
There’s the answer to why she’s dying.
Because I don’t talk to it? I haven’t talked to it - ever.
Does she have a name?
A name, n – a – m – e.
I don’t know. It’s a jade plant so I guess its name is Jade.
That’s like calling you Man, and not a very bright one at that. Well, let’s give her a name.
That is really a dumb idea.
Perhaps, but give her a name anyway. Why is this so hard for you?
Because I feel stupid talking about this damned plant.
Okay, I’ll give her a name.
No, you won’t. It’s my plant. I’ll give it a name.
No, that is not an appropriate name.
That’s my sister’s name.
You hate my sister
Yeah, right. Has she married her Harley Davidson yet?
That’s not funny. Do you hate this plant?
I can’t remember.
That’s not a name.
Yes, it is. If someone asks me the name of my plant, I won’t remember, and I will probably say, I can’t remember. So there.
You’ve got a point, an idiotic one, but never the less. Try again.
How about Courtney?
That was your first girlfriend’s name.
Oh, Yeah. God, I really miss her.
Why did she dump you? I forgot.
Because I couldn’t say . . . I loooooovvvvve you.
There’s the answer to this problem.
So, what should I say, so it’ll – I don’t know – be happy?
She’s a beautiful plant. Try telling her she’s beautiful. And say to her what you couldn’t say to Courtney.
Wait a minute.
There’s no time to waste. If you don’t begin now, she’ll be dead and it will be your fault.
Christ Almighty, okay. Hello plant. I think you’re beautiful, and I lov v v v v v ve you.
You are so pathetic. Come on, you can do better than that. Put a little emotion into it – mean what you’re saying.
Okay, how’s this . . . Hey, Babe, you’re the best looking Jade Plant this side of Balboa Park.
Well, you give it a try.
Hey, sweetie, may I touch your beautiful luscious leaves? They are so plump and curvaceous it makes my heart warm.
Plump and curvaceous? You have to be kidding. It’s a plant for God’s sake. And how do you know it’s a she. What if it’s a he?
It’s a she. I know about things like this. Look at her, you idiot. Anyone with two brain cells can tell it’s a she.
Okay, I’ll give you that. Oh, look. She just dropped one of her little leaves. OH! There goes another one.
You better get with the program or she’ll be dead before the day is out. I hope she does die. You don’t deserve her.
Where are you going?
Away from you, you insensitive trailer-park-person.
That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me, Mother.
Where are my car keys?
On the hall table, next to my suicide note.
Don’t I wish.
Have a nice day.
Trailer-park-person, indeed. Okay, Courtney. I know you’re feeling poorly, but this is the best I can do.
I looooovvvvvve you and don’t want you to die. We’ve been together for almost 15 years. I’ve gotten used to you. I know I’ve grown insensitive to your needs and that’s my fault. So here’s what I’m gonna do.
I’ll buy a new pot for you to live in. Something with a little pizazz instead of this funky old clay thing. I’ll get new potting soil and mix some primo weed in with it. That should make you happy. I know it makes Mom happy when I mix it in her salad. And I’ll buy some of those pretty river rocks to top it off.
And while I’m at it, I’ll look for a boy plant to keep you company. Yeah, like that is ever going to happen.
For now, how about a little glycerin on your leaves. Oh, you like that idea. Come here baby and let me massage your leaves. See, you already look better. And you better not die or I’ll grind you up and mulch you into that dandelion patch out in the backyard.