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By Alexis Kypridemos

by Alexis Kypridemos
The man stood on the ledge, threatening suicide.
"Don’t move or I’m going to jump!" he called to the firemen collected thirty stories below.
"Don’t do it!" the fire marshal called up to the man. "Everything’s going to be OK."
"I’m going to do it, I swear!"
"Think about your family!" the fire marshal urged.
"Nuts to my family!"
"OK! If you come down... we’ll get you some pussy!"
"Really?" the man asked, surprised.
"You wouldn’t be kidding me, would you?"
"Never." The fire marshal put his hand over his heart.
"Can you get me a Puerto Rican chick? I always wanted to score with a Puerto Rican chick."
"I’ll do what I can."
"You do that. I think I’ll come down now."
The window behind the man opened, knocking him to the ground.
"Aiiiieeeee!" he screamed as he went down.
Detectives Richard "Dick" Tuggs and David "Davie" Croquet peered out onto the ledge.
"I thought there was a suicide threat in progress," Croquet said.
"I don’t see anything," Tuggs said.
"I guess he changed his mind."
"You see how things work out sometimes?"
"Yeah, I guess you’ve got to believe in people-"
A female voice above them screamed, "Up here! Help me!"
"On the roof!" Tuggs said.
They drew their guns and ran to the stairs.
Moments later, they burst through the door onto the roof, guns drawn. A man held a blonde cheerleader-type girl hostage, a gun pointed at her head.
"Put the gun down!" Tuggs ordered.
"No way, pig," the gunman said. "I want a plane. And I want a car to get me to the airport. And I want ten million dollars. Then I’ll think about letting the girl go."
"The plane, where do you want it to take you?" Tuggs asked.
"Bahamas. The Grand Imperial hotel. I want the Presidential suite, with full room service. And I want mints on my pillow!"
"You’re going to have to give us some time. I don’t know about the mints on the pillow."
"Don’t kid me, man! I know you can do that!"
He tightened his grip around the girl.
"OK, just calm down-"
Bang! Croquet shot the girl. She stumbled backwards and fell off the roof. The gunman looked down, dumbfounded.
"You- you-"
Tuggs took advantage of the gunman's momentary confusion. He grabbed the gun out of his hand and threw the man to the ground. Planting a foot between his shoulder blades, Tuggs slipped cuffs onto the man's wrists.
Croquet walked over, holstered his gun.
"Smart move," Tuggs said to him. "Going for the hostage first. Disorienting the perp."
Croquet nodded. "The trick is to aim for the perp."
The End

Author Notes: "Jumper" is part of "Fiction Fix," a collection of 46 short, funny stories, plus 196 bonus micro fiction budget stories, available at

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About The Author
Alexis Kypridemos
About This Story
4 Apr, 2014
Read Time
2 mins
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