peace fails, violence wins

When i was born,
I was very small for my mother and i guess my fathers size, i never meet my father but i assume he was a great man . The doctors never asked for my name so i dont have a birth certificate so honestly i dont have a name well until my mom made one up.

She thought i was perfect the way i was, but i didn’t agree . after my mother and i left the hospital , my mom took me home to a not so pleasant neighborhood . There was gangs and everything that i understood while my mom was explaining it to me in the vehicle. I was a baby and i could understand her.

she told me that bad men were after her because she owed them money ,and i understood and remember them to this day.
she got out of the vehicle, opened the left side back door and carried me out into the house.
Everyday my mom would get a phone call and she would be talking but i would hear no body....she mostly said “i don’t have any money now” or “i just had a baby please give me more time” and sometimes “ please don’t do that take me instead of him”...Him who.... him who is me im the him who. My mom is willing to die instead of me. They want to harm my mom. What do i do what could I’ve done i was a baby not a 16 year old child.

The next day i woke undisturbed hearing silence and for once my door was closed and i heard the sound of the phone:

ring, ring, ring ring, ring
no one answered
Then i heard:
“hello’ sorry we missed your call ...Me and my baby Felix is having to much fun please leave a message and we will get back to you as soon as we can”
it was my mom... next i hear someone talking:
Hey Johanna, its josh ...the father of Felix i was going to tell you to get out fast , clay hamming-ton’s gang is coming run fast...this is the last ill be talking to you tell Felix good-luck in life ill hold them back ..hurry!!!!’and thats it dead silence....till at least 4 hours later after all my crying i hear the ambulance coming....what is that i say or whats that sound.A few minutes later i hear :

“ Let us in Mrs. cropper, its police were here to help you. your husband has died and were need you to come out and talk “
dead silence for at least 5 minutes, later i hear banging. and a door slam on the wall.
scared to death i could’t let out a cry. Then a woman opens my door and says “Its OK your mother isnhurrible decision : that was felix’s story .t’t with us anymore but you can make it , you survived” What does she mean my mom is dead or is she at work..she would’t leave me here. what happened while i was sleeping undisturbed ?

Felix at 10 years old!
Well, since he incident when i was little the woman cop put me in foster care unaware of my illness. (cancer) Ive been fighting it since i was born and haven’t been back to the doctor since i was born. Im worried, well ive been worried for so long is the clay hamming-tons gang coming after me or not.
i dont know what to think, i guess im smart for remembering what all happened that night.
did they know i was there? did they want to kill me just not any time? did mom close that door because she knew they were calling? what happened that night, its marked as a unsolved mystery They cant find clay or his gang.
i cant believe i was put in this home with lots of other children older then me ....wait maybe that means someone will adopt me cause im the youngest . They are so mean and In the histury of this place only 19 people came looking for children or a child and only 7 people got there wish.

i dont get much food here . NO room by myself i have to share with 4 older boys , and im thinking about running away.
but what if i miss a parent who wants a kid like me
or what if i dont know one comes here any way ive been here for 4 years i should know. Tonight, im going to pack my bags and run out the door. The only problem is how, the 4 older kids stay up late,are light sleepers and if they catch me they would etheir beat me up, or ask to go with me and i don want that. so how bout early in the morning. I know the teachers and daycare people and the foster mom and others who made this place be what it is ,get up at 6:45 am , the kids get up at 7:30 am and the older kids go to bed at 3:00 am in the morning. so ill leave at 5 o’clock sharp, pack and leave.

runaway stray

i open my eyes to see no lights on everyone is asleep. Perfect timing, i grab 6 shirts, 4 pares of pants and tooth brush, tooth paste, 2 apples, a banana , a bag of utz chips, and a cold slice of pizza that i found on a plate in the kitchen. i stuff it all in my red bag ,not knowing where im going. i run down stairs, throw the hallway and open the door.Suprisingly the door is open.
i walk out on the side walk, the smell of fresh air in the morning after it rains is all around.
Then i see a road sign its says “roundup rd.”(pointing to my right), “bossy grump ave.”pointing straight and ninth street (pointing left). i dont know what to pick so i pick what hand i right with ,which is left. i turn and start eating a banana and walk.
down the ninth street.
i never noticed this road to be quite honest, it looks like a tornado hit this place.i start eating a apple and the bag of chips.
i see about 5 mail boxes... and notice something moving. i duck behide a old mailbox that has a photo of a faded yorkie and the name : traits on it and the address 487639 which doesnt even look like a valid address. And then i start staring at what i saw it looked like a couple of people wearing hoods and passing something to each other looks like money and somehing else , but i dont know what it is.
i turn away from he mailbox and start walking there way to get a closer look and then i see a handel of a gun in the guy getting the money’s pocket. i wanted to grab it and run so he wouldnt hurt someone. But i didnt . instead i walked up to him and taped his shoulder .
wrong idea he punched me and knocked me out. when i woke up i saw him and 4 different men in black jackets staring down at me. The one that i went up to said “ Yo kid, what you doing bothering me while im making some money?” and then i though of my mom , money does he owe someone money too, i was ten i didnt understand until he asked me if i wanted some pills.

i didnt know what to say . he had a gun in his pocket.
why would i say NO and try to get up with 4 men looking at me .they would think i was going to the police and tell them. then he would shoot me.
i remember he choice i made , yes it ruined my life. And after he said that he said “First time?” i didnt know what that ment so i said yes, hoping i was making a good decision . so he handed me 3 little white pills, he said “next time you pay, kid your one of us !”
i made a wrong decision, but it made my life a lot better

felix as a knew kid (14 years old)
its been a couple years since i was on drugs , i know i was an idiot. But they made me understand the meaning in crazyness. remember i still have cancer but I remember that i was bold and sick but hide myself in the shadows. i remeber when i was little i hid just like now . i think these happy pills were making me worse but i didnt stop. i picked up a knife off the road that i found i was rusty sharp and black and i started to keep it just in case a wrong payment happened and i dont know why i felt this way.

One night i was outside, clay walked up to me he said “i’ve known you enough to tell you my name its clay hammington and you are in a gang which i know you know” i said “really your name is clay that sounds remembering” clay said “ you might have seen my work , ive killed 7 people in my day for payments they didnt make.” i said “what is your best work” and something ill never forget was his anwser and the smile on his greedy face he said ( cropper, johanna cropper to be exact.” and my anwser was his death bed, i might have been high , but not high anough to forget my mother. i stabbed him in the throat remembering that day it all happened and hearing my dads voice changed everything.

i stapped him so many times thinking of so many reasons why i am doing this 1. my mother 2. my father 3. putting me in a foster home 4. not killing me so i could be wih my mom and dad 4. not waking me up 5. putting me on this 6. not making me relize i was in a gang for 4 years. 7. making my life crap. and 8. making me think i could kill someone and that someone ...was clay hamming-ton. those were my reasons. if you were me that day you would think the same
i screwed my life up i know but i must go on.

not knowing what to do. 3 years later


im 17 now, if only i was that old when the incident happened. praying just saying im sorry god, jesus, mom and dad, but you KNOW he desirved it .
i go to the train track i noticed at 16 going on 17 . i sit there looking at the writtings and spray paint everywhere. i take the knife i killed clay with and carve “you know clay deserves it !!” with nothing but hatred. i take out a 7 yr old pizza i forgot about and chucked it across the road of ninth street beside the train tracks i notice something. A gun. If my life is nothing good why should i live i need to be gone ,dead, my life is nothing but well, nothing i dont want to live. So i run as fast as i could knowing “i NEVER HAD A LIFE” to the gun. i pick it up stand in the middle of the train track and BANG.

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