Christmas Means.. Family... Home.. Healing..

Family is one of the humans secret strength..coz even though you're far from them, you can still feel they're undying love and support.. They will never leave you no matter what circumstances and obstacles you'll be into. Home is one of the safest place any privilege human could have. It is a place wherein you can be the worst of what you are without bearing grudges but still be accepted for what and who you are. Having this two possessions in one's life you can consider yourself a lucky person. Having all this thought in mind it made me feel a little sad..

Christmas is fast approaching.. I could almost feel the cold breeze as I made my way home.. As I have come to realize the meaning of Christmas and how are we going to celebrate it again this year, it brings back happy memories... As I walk my way home hearing one of the most popular yet oldest Christmas Carol.. I can't help but to wonder what would it be like having my father again this very special holiday..Having my family complete again as we celebrate Christmas Eve sharing whatever it is that my parents bought..It will always be better knowing that even thought a family don't have something to share with in any occasions.. a simple laughs making simple memories having your whole family would make a big difference. I realize that this coming Christmas.. it will be our third year of celebrating this occasion being incomplete. I miss my father..

It was an ordinary day for an ordinary family and a normal morning for us waking up without my father .. for a man like him needs to work hard for him to be able to provide whatever, We, his family, needed. But that ordinary morning ended up being the most horrible and unforgettable day for the whole family as a man knocked on our door telling that my father was rushed in a hospital.. The man.. who happened to be my father's friend told us that my father was not feeling well even before he starts working that day. He told us that my father throw up and vomit blood but choose to drink water even before he finished throwing up.. And after that incident my father asked his friend to send him home but that didn't happen cause he didn't make it..


As I reminisce this things there were lots of what if's in my mind. Wishful thoughts that until now i keep on telling myself..Imagine how we suffered after he died.. We had been to a lot of hardships that i never imagined and i never dreamed of that will happen to my family. We became a Family without sense of direction... Treating everyday as if there's no more tomorrow.. Our hope has been buried together with my father...I remember I was sick that time... Illness that I never thought I already have even before my father passed away. My mother was so depressed.. Don't know what to do with her life and with her children. Mourning.. Grieving.. All of us decided to stop schooling. Nobody is working.. We became focus on how are we going to deal with the bitterness and sadness and grieving in losing one important part of our life.. I for once, was busy mending my own pain.. I never cried during the wake and the burial and until now.. For crying, I once heard somewhere, for someones loss, is showing regret for the things that you didn't do when the one who loss was still alive, and i know to myself I don't have regrets cause I believed I have done my part , for him as his daughter. I believe I did my best to become a better one. At least I didn't gave him a major problem when it comes to my studying.

But now I know more.. Crying is not showing you have regrets.. Instead, not crying is another way of showing how coward I was that time..God knows how much I wanted to cry that time.. How much I wanted my father alive...How much I wanted him to come home.. even if his drunk.. Yes even if he is super and mega drunk... Even if he is cursing to death because of his hangover the following morning.. I want him to come home even if he will vomit and vomit and mess up the whole house... Just for him to come home... God knows how much I envy his friends that time because they were crying they're hearts out.. for they're loss.. And me I still didn't cry.. Even if inside I'm dying for the Nth time...I was the one who loss more.. For God's sake He is my father... But still.. I choose not to cry. And crying.. I didn't do that.. I kept my pain.. I deal with it alone...Nobody knows what I'm into that time.. They never knew how much I'm suffering..

A part of me died the first time I loss someone.. The person who raised me up.. My beloved grandmother.. I also didn't had a chance to see her when she left....Half of me died when my father left.. without bidding goodbye. You know, it's like waiting in Vain...I remember, during the first few weeks of his death.. we were joking about it.. About my father coming home at 4pm just like what he used to do... They didn't know I was doing the same thing every time i will miss him..that whenever i hear the noise of the door opening. I am so excited thinking at last. My father is Home.. pity me.. fooling myself that he would come home soon...

Now I know better..I now have to face the fact that we no longer have them in this world...I have to accept that they were already gone..Now, i believe.. this is one of the major step for me to be able to start healing.. Start to accept the fact that I've already loss them..That I have to move on. To live a life...
How funny it seems how long it took for me to be able to realize that i'm suffering too much for something that I don't have the power to control over..Many times I wanted to explain myself to people why on earth I love hurtful things... How much I love hurtful songs..Maybe because with those songs.. I can share my pain.. Little by little.. it lessens the agony.With those songs I can feel myself being relive..

Christmas.. another reason to celebrate... Yes.. I'll be celebrating it soon... Apart from its reason.. I'll celebrate cause I'll be starting to let my dark clouds to go.. I'll let the memories of the storm go away...Let the raindrops keep falling from my head.. Ill be enjoying with it soon.. I'll be playing with it soon with so much fun and laugher.... And Yes.. Maybe my family is incomplete.... but at least.. We're moving over... and We are healing Fast... Faster than I have expected it to be...

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