I am silly. I am stupid. What the hell was I thinking, doing... on the streets at 11 pm, alone? What the hell. What the bloody hell. ARGGHHHH!!!!
School is still the same. But I don't want to go. I started jigging last week.. couldn't stand the tension. All that fucking stress. No... not stress... I couldn't stand myself.
When I think of what happened my whole body shakes, my cheeks go hot and then cold...my head starts to spin and I can feel the tears ready to come out. Yet that's the hardest part. I cannot cry... maybe the tears dried out right after it happened.
I wake at night...every night... from all my nightmares... his face.. blurred yet recognisable through the dark lane. My cries for him to stop. Sometimes, I can even still feel his hands.. those damned hands... holding my hands back, his body pressing me down down down...
I hear my own screams, feel his obvious enjoyment vibrating through that cold night. His sick smile playing about on his lips.
It's only been 2 weeks. I am too scared to tell anyone. I should tell someone.. yet who is there to tell? I am so ashamed....how do I explain this? I want to die. DIE.
I feel torn apart from the world like I don't belong here. I feel myself questioning my own existence. Am I real? I can't bring myself to remember. My temper is shorter than ever. I do not want to talk to others. I feel so powerless. He made me feel like this. He took away my innocence. I feel violated.
I saw him today. He looked at me and smirked. He smirked, looked my body up and down in a suggestive manner and fucking walked away. His eyes told me "just forget about it." My world stopped and I started choking. I WANTED TO SCREAM. FUCK YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH. WHAT HAVE YOU FUCKING DONE.
But I couldn't. My mouth wouldn't connect to my brain. I had to bite my tongue until it bled to restrain myself. At my powerlessness. I'm so angry and ashamed. Maybe I should turn to the police? My parents? The school counsellor? Confront him?
What should I do, what should I do, what should I do?
feedback is welcome at [email protected] ( i am not 26)
and i am not a rape victim.