I'm Blind, by Dr. Philbilly

A few years ago Melissa and I went shopping with her mother at Walmart, let's call her Pat Lee. Somehow we ended up on the pet aisle and stopped to look at the cat toys. Now I don't really remember who had the cat, or even if anyone actually owned a cat, but we were looking at cat toys that day.

I was about ten feet away from them looking at this very cool looking wind-up mouse that had gotten my attention wondering how much trouble I could get into with this little guy. Then out of the corner of my eye I saw Melissa playing with this one toy. It was one of those big springs with a ball on the top that you hit back and forth. It really don't take that much to entertain her.

All of a sudden this wicked grin forms across her face that I have seen one too many times before, and I just get a strange feeling this will not end well for someone. Then like a slow motion scene straight out of an action movie she cocks the ball back like a mid evil catapult. The ball releases from her fingers and smacks poor Pat right on top of her head. I heard the crack even standing a good ten feet away from them.

All I can do is watch as one of Pats eyes drifts up and to the left and the other shifts down and to the right. She staggers about twenty feet before dropping to one knee and screams, "I'm hit! I'm hit! Melissa Ann, what have you done? I'M BLIND... I'M BLIND!"

Melissa says, "Oh Mama, get up and quit being so dramatic, it's only Styrofoam. See!?! I'll show you." Then she pulled back the ball again and smacks herself in the head. That crack was louder than the first. It sounded like a war zone... Wow, this is better than going to the movies!

Melissa lets out a grunt, her body stiffens up and she goes full on cross eyed. She falls backwards into a cat food display and cans of "9 Lives" spill everywhere rolling off into every direction. Melissa is out cold on one end of the aisle and Pat has managed to crawl to the other end.

I walk over to pick up the toy for further inspection and concluded that it was indeed Styrofoam, on the outside that is, but on the inside there was a 2 pound solid steel ball bearing. I pulled it back and hit the floor with it and you could hear the echo clear across the store.

As I'm standing there holding this weapon in my hands here comes security around the corner and see these two women laying on the floor moaning. They stare at me like I'm a criminal and each have their hand on a taser gun with fingers flinching. Why even bother? I just drop the toy, put my hands behind my head and drop to my knees. They wouldn't believe me anyway... I'm just sayin!

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