Almost All or Nothing at All

‘I am almost certain you are not allowed in here.’

He was the strangest guard he ever met,

‘”Almost”?’

‘You heard me. I don’t stutter.’

’Then you’re not absolutely certain.’

‘I’m not God. Only God is 100% certain.’

‘Can I speak to God?’

The guard pointed to the sign reading, DEADLY FORCE IN USE BEYOND THIS POINT, then tapped his weapon,

‘You’ll meet Him if you go in there without authorisation.’

‘I don’t believe in God.’

‘Are you certain?’

‘I’m certain of everything I say and do…’, the unauthorised visitor sang, ‘Alllll or Nothing at Allllll’

‘Your call, Sinatra.’

‘Is there anyone I can speak to who is certain, besides God? Do you have a supervisor?’

‘Yes, she’s inside; but if you go inside without authorisation, you’ll meet God before her.’

‘Who can give me authorisation?’

‘My supervisor.’

‘Can you call your supervisor?’

‘Why would I want to do that?’

‘I had to surrender my phone when I came here…’

‘Didn’t that tell you something?’

‘Let’s take this from the top. I want to go inside, you said you’re almost certain I can’t go inside. I asked who is certain, you said God. I don’t believe in God, so I want to see your supervisor. You said she’s inside, and you’ll use deadly force if I go inside to see her…This is senseless!’

‘It makes sense to me…Do you have an appointment with my supervisor?’

‘No, how can I make an appointment with your supervisor?’

‘You can make an appointment with my supervisor’s receptionist.’

‘Fine. Where is your supervisor’s receptionist?’

‘He’s inside too.’

‘Are you certain?’

‘No.’

‘Who is certain?’

‘God. I’m a guard. I’m not my supervisor’s receptionist either. K.I.S.S….Keep It Simple, Stupid.’

‘You’ve Godlike powers.’

‘My supervisor delegated me with them…I’m not just a pretty face.’

The unauthorised visitor pointed at the DEADLY FORCE sign,

‘I didn’t see that sign when I came here.’

‘You didn’t. It wasn’t there. It’s here.’

‘Why here and not there?’

‘Because deadly force is authorised here and now, it isn’t authorised there and then. That’s why we’re…’, he patted his weapon, ‘…here. Everyone lives and dies in the here and now.’

Like a snake, the guard’s eyes neither blinked nor left the visitor,

‘To some people that sign is like a WET PAINT sign, they have to try it…I don’t know why…That’s really the reason why you want to go inside…isn’t it?’

‘You think it’s funny to shoot people?’

‘It’s one of the lurks and perks…Shoot first, laugh last…laugh last, laugh best.’

‘You’ve killed before.’

‘And I’ll kill again...Don’t tell me you’re expecting a virgin?’

‘"Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind."’

‘Everybody dies, nobody cares…I’m a Don Juan gendarme not a John Donne bon ton.’

‘If-‘

‘"If ifs and buts were sweets and nuts, we'd all have a Happy Christmas."’

‘The trite live on proverbs.’

‘A proverb is a popular saying, usually of an unknown or ancient origin. An axiom is a self-evident truth that requires no proof…that sign is proof. It’s an axion to the “max”, John Donne’! “Axiom” doesn’t rhyme with anything, otherwise I’d give you a jingle.’

For the second time the unauthorised visitor vocally reviewed his options as the guard nodded; the guard reiterated,

‘I am almost certain you are not allowed in here.’

The unauthorised visitor attempted and failed to stare down the guard who explained,

‘Life is too damn short for repetition, n'est pas?’

‘We’ve common ground.’

‘Don’t be buried in it.’

The unauthorised visitor exploded,

‘You’re stupid!!!’

‘Wasn’t it Carl Jung who said, “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves?”’

The unauthorised visitor stalked off back the way he came…halted and turned to ask,

‘What is in there?’

The guard shrugged,

‘I’m not allowed in their either.’

‘Aren’t you curious?’

‘Meow!’, the guard explained, ‘Curiosity killed the cat, pussy…I’ll wager you peeked at your childhood Christmas presents.’

His expression showed the guard he was right.

‘Just think of it as a surprise, not a secret. Secrets cause worry or discomfort; surprises are mostly enjoyable. “Mostly”, otherwise they wouldn’t be surprises.’

The unauthorised visitor turned and stalked off again, then stopped and turned once more,

‘I suppose you’d kill yourself if you went in there!’

‘If I wanted to kill myself, why would I bother getting up to go to work?’

He turned again to go back the way he came. The guard’s almost word and Frank Sinatra’s song kept repeating in his mind,

Almost…all or nothing at all…

The unauthorised visitor immediately turned back and ran into his destination.

He fell before he heard gunfire, his last sight before his eyes glazed over was the guard looking down at him with smoke rising from his well-oiled weapon,

‘You almost got in…’

FIN

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