Bozo Said So!

Waukegan, 1962

Tea in a Rectory

‘The more I look at this room, the more I see David Niven and Loretta Young in The Bishop’s Wife.’

The couple sat at a wooden table covered in a white lace tablecloth in the cosy room featuring plush furniture and wood wall panelling inside the St. Anastasia rectory, called ‘the priest house’ by its parishioners. The walls were covered by the obligatory Crucifix, the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, prints of religious paintings, bookcases filled with old volumes and a loud grandfather clock.

‘I had the pleasure of seeing that film last December on television, Mrs. Gillette.’

Her initial remark led to the breaking of the ice by discussing Robert Nathan’s novels and the films made from them.

‘Do you watch much television, Father Heffernan?’

‘Sometimes…mostly news broadcasts and some documentaries…’, he sipped his tea and gave a sheepish grin, ‘Sunday night is our Saturday night! I confess we watch The Ed Sullivan Show, Candid Camera, What’s My Line?...and I enjoy some detective shows.’

‘”Detective”…Do you believe a television can speak to someone?’

He laughed.

‘Ours does…My son claims it speaks to him…’

Fr. Heffernan recalled his first meeting with his rector Monsignor Connerton,

‘You’ll mostly hear the same old stories and problems from our parishioners when you counsel them, but there’s always something new under the sun.’

‘Please start from the beginning, Mrs. Gillette.’

The World’s Greatest Newspaper’s Television

It wasn’t long after the death of her beloved husband that their only son Marc returned to live with her.

Awarded a scholarship to Lake Forest College prior to the war, he earned a degree in European history and became fluent in Latin and French. As he didn’t wish to teach, he found a career in the Federal Civil Service in Washington D.C.. His Reserve Officer’s Training Corps gave him an army reserve commission; he was called up prior to the attack on Pearl Harbor. Major Gillette served in the European Theatre of Operations, then returned to his former employment. After President Kennedy was elected, Marc said the old-timers were cleaned out through lucrative redundancy payments to place the New Frontiersmen in.

He spent his time in front of a large television set, and only watched one channel: WGN, the independent station owned by the Chicago Tribune. Like television characters, he dressed totally in black, white and grey; attired in either a dark or light grey suit like Bud Abbott on The Abbott and Costello Show, or a black suit in the evenings when he took his mother to Friday late-night shopping, Saturday movies and Mass on Sundays and Holy Days of Obligation with restaurant dining. He wore a black fedora or fur hat with turtleneck sweater for winter, a white Panama hat in summer, and a black beret when he rode his bicycle. The locals called him ‘the Frenchman’.

His mother served him Trix Technicolor breakfast cereal with coffee, morning and afternoon tea, habits he picked up in England, and lunch on a TV tray in front of the television. Dinner was eaten at the dinner table with her, complete with intelligent and witty conversation, though the subject mostly concerned what he watched on WGN.

His days had a schedule. Calisthenics in the morning, watching the religious guidance of Five Minutes to Live By, then Breakfast with Bugs Bunny.

Dressed in one of his grey suits with beret and trouser clips, he’d bicycle north around the neighbourhood, have coffee and chatter at Johnny’s Café, browse around the local shops on the same block, then return home for tea whilst watching the morning movie.

Noon meant lunch in front of Bozo’s Circus, then another movie. Following the film, he’d bicycle east stopping off for a soda or ice cream treat at the Rexall Drug Store, return for Our Miss Brooks, afternoon tea with The Three Stooges, then the puppets, cartoons and Journey to the Beginning of Time serial on Garfield Goose and Friends hosted by someone dressed like Reichsmarschall Hermann Göring.

After the WGN news and cartoons he’d dine with his mother, read the local newspaper, have a final walk around the neighbourhood, watch a half hour rerun, iron his clothes for the next day, read a book then watch the late-night movie after the news, going to bed about midnight. Weekends featured a similar schedule.

His bicycling or walking, socialising at the café or drugstore and grocery shopping gave her a chance to clean the living room.

Bozo in a Bungalow

Fr. Heffernan poured another cup of tea for each of them. He had known Mrs. Gillette and her late husband since his arrival in the parish. She had always been level-headed, intelligent, well-read and well-spoken as well as a member of the church’s Ladies Association. Though grief stricken, she held up through her husband’s funeral. Afterwards she joined the women going to weekdaily Mass.

‘I wouldn’t worry, Mrs. Gillette. In my view, your son is eclectic, not eccentric. Marc does partake of several hours of daily exercise and goes with you at various times. It’s instinctual for men out of the work force such as retirees and prison inmates to create a schedule and routine in their lives around the main events of their day, even if it’s only watching television. You wouldn’t believe just how many wives complain that they’re baseball and football ‘widows’, and both parents complain their children watch too much television and pick up bad manners.’

‘Father…the problem is…Bozo…’

‘”The World Famous” and “Your Favourite Clown”? Mrs. Gillette, can you keep a secret?’

‘Yes, Father.’

He looked to see that their housekeeper hadn’t returned, then conspiratorially bent his head towards her. She bent her head towards him. He looked around again and whispered,

‘The Monsignor is partial to Topo Gigio, the Little Italian Mouse puppet; and when no parishioners are around, he does impressions of the ventriloquist Señor Wences in the Confessional…”Hello in the box! S’all right? S’all right!”’

The pair laughed, but there was still a worried look in her eyes.

When she finished her account, he had a worried look in his eyes…

‘Mrs. Gillette, though a priest has always been called “the poor man’s psychiatrist”, perhaps it may be best if your son seeks professional counselling.’

‘I have faith in God and the Church, not psychiatrists who merely perform cashectomies and permanently place their clients on drugs. Still, they have their use…but let’s regard the parish priest who knows my son as a form of triage…You’d have rapport with Marc because you once were an army chaplain.’

He knew many men didn’t talk about the war; Marc equally didn’t talk about his employment. Was it possible he’d been in the O.S.S., the Oh So Secret Office of Strategic Services and then the Central Intelligence Agency? Marc looked the type.

‘I wasn’t in the War myself. Was Marc awarded any decorations?’

‘Only the Legion of Merit and something from France. He called them the officer’s version of premiums inside breakfast cereal boxes.’

‘Purple Heart?’

‘No.’

He knew from his Army service that the medal awarded for being wounded was the only one that mattered.

‘Can you provide an extra TV tray where we can lunch and watch Bozo together?’

She rose and warmly shook his hand,

‘Thank you, Father, for also being “the poor woman’s detective”.’

5 Ps to Discoveries

One of the axioms Chaplain Heffernan learned in the Army was Prior Planning Prevents Poor Performance. He visited libraries to read up on schizophrenics who believed their televisions talked to them and he telephoned friends of friends who either taught or practiced psychiatry. In the early days when television was only seen in Flash Gordon serials, there were those who believed the device was invented by the government to watch them.

He had coffee and questions at Johnny’s Café and the Rexall Drug Store soda fountain. Marc was popular and regarded as nice and ordinary, though ‘different’.

Mrs. Gillette provided a luncheon date to visit Marc to dine al televisco; with the etiquette of only speaking to each other during commercials. He had his own bizarre theory and bought an eccentric device.

TV, or not TV…

The exorcist arrived after Boris Karloff’s West of Shanghai and before Bozo’s Circus.

‘Welcome, Father Heff! I’m glad to see you!’, beamed Marc.

As the trio chatted, the priest noticed the look of pride and joy in Mrs. Gillette as if her son was still a child, and the look of love and admiration from Marc to his mother. If only every couple was that happy! They filled the needs in each other’s lives.

Marc said he loved WGN, not only for entertainment and laughs, but felt he caught up with the popular culture he missed when he was away during the War and his employment. He pronounced ‘Washington’ sarcastically as if it were in quotation marks. What made him only watch WGN were the children’s show hosts and newscasters who resembled eccentric relatives, and the Warner Bros. movie and cartoon stars who were like old friends.

‘In “Washington”, the Space-Agers made us feel like Stone-Agers, so instead of going to the moon, I travel to the Golden Past. I’m a nostalgia-naut! The world makes more sense and is more entertaining in black and white, Father.’

‘You watch all the films?’

‘We’ve both “catholic” tastes.’

The priest believed the childless, physically fit well-travelled and educated Marc was too polite to say that the stars of thrillers and intriguing potboilers set in faraway places were more his peers then his Midwestern small industrial city neighbours.

Prior to noon Fr. Heffernan was given a TV tray featuring soup, toasted sandwiches and coffee alongside Marc. He thought the modern television clashed with the mellow 1930’s tidy living room of rugs and wooden floors rather than the currently fashionable wall-to-war carpeting; it so reminded him of his own childhood home...

‘Would you like to say grace, Father?’

‘When I’m a guest I believe that duty falls to the host.’

The three crossed themselves and bent their heads down; Marc proclaimed,

‘”May God the Father bless us.

May God the Son heal us.

And may God the Holy Spirit enlighten us…”’

‘Amen.’

‘When I was a boy, the only thing I liked better than the movies was the circus.’

‘You’re preaching to the converted, Marc!’

They entered the world of Channel 9…

‘Bozo’s Circus is on the air!’

After the introduction of the cast and circus guests, there was a funny skit with Bozo and Cookie. Despite the humour, Marc didn’t laugh. He smiled and took notes in shorthand in an exercise book.

During the commercial break ‘Father Heff’ discussed the skit, but Marc didn’t seem to know what had occurred.

Then came the Grand Prize Game, where a pair of children were selected from the audience to win prizes by throwing ping pong balls into a line of buckets. Neither the boy nor girl reached the Grand Prize in Bozo Bucket Number Six.

The show resumed with a Bozo cartoon and another skit. Marc only took notes when the non-animated Bozo spoke. During the next commercial break, Marc recalled the events of the cartoon and Ringmaster Ned’s activities, but nothing the ‘real’ Bozo said.

‘Marc, do you believe that your television speaks to you?’

‘That’s the purpose, Father. The basic function and design of media, such as newspapers, radio and TV, is to send viewers messages; to inform you of the state of the world as they see it, and to convince you to purchase items to stimulate the gross domestic product of our nation. What does your television say to you?’

‘Do you think I’m paranoid?’, the priest laughed.

‘”Paranoia” is the polar opposite of ignorance, Father’.

‘Why do you take notes?’

‘So I won’t forget what Bozo told me.’

‘What does he tell you?’

Bozo’s Circus was back on the air with the guest circus act. Following that was another game between boys and girls selected from the audience. Again, Marc took no notes until Bozo himself spoke.

During the commercial Marc asked,

‘Have you noticed the amazing similarities and resemblance between Bozo the Clown and John Fitzgerald Kennedy?’

The lifelong Democrat exploded,

‘Never Marc!!! Why do you think that???’

‘Both are charismatic leaders doing the bidding of unknown others …”Many are called, but few are Bozo…”’

The show returned with another clown skit. Marc began taking notes and didn’t notice Fr. Heffernan rising to go back to the sofa where Mrs. Gillette was watching them. Transfixed by Bozo, Marc paid no attention to the priest behind him.

Fr. Heffernan reached into his pocket and produced the item he brought, a dog whistle. He blew it; no noise was noticed by the priest and Mrs. Gillette, but Marc furiously turned and shouted,

‘Why did you interrupt Bozo, Father? Are you jealous that you have a competitor?’

‘I don’t know, what did Bozo tell you?’

‘That the world may end in a nuclear holocaust.’

‘How did Bozo figure that one out?’

‘Bozo knows the Soviets have been deploying intercontinental ballistic missiles with atomic warheads in Cuba. The United States Government will release that information very soon and give the Soviet Union an ultimatum.’

‘Bozo knows what’s going on in Cuba?’

‘Bozo knows! He also knows you have no faith. Goodbye!’

The show ended with the Bozo Grand March where Bob Trendler’s Bozo Big Top Band played as the audience marched in front of the camera. Marc marched around the living room as if he was back at Fort Benning…

Mrs. Gillette apologised as she handed Fr. Heffernan his fedora and escorted him to the door.

…That is the Question

The news of what became known as the Cuban Missile Crisis broke much later.

Fr. Heffernan lay awake pondering the recent events…Just how did Marc predict that? Surely, he telephoned his former top-secret colleagues in ‘Washington’? However, he said all his companions were gone…

His army counter-espionage training returned to him. Marc hadn’t been in the confessional; wasn’t it his duty to report him? How would he be regarded? Marc never told anyone else about the matter, only his mother witnessed it. What proof was there?

He pondered Marc hearing the dog whistle when he didn’t see him blow it. No human could hear ultrasonic sound, or could they with the proper C.I.A. training? If that was so, who was using Bozo to send ultrasonic messages? The Communists? A ‘third force’ neither of the East or West, like the Third Echelon, the secret society in The Road to Hong Kong? Where on the planet or off it was the third force located???

Enigma in an Epilogue

The clerics mashed and stirred graham crackers into their bowls of hot milk as their grandfather clock struck twelve. Msgr. Connerton turned on the television,

‘Tis Bozo we’ll be watchin’…’

Ringmaster Ned asked his audience,

‘Who’s your favourite clown?’

‘BOZO!!!’

‘Heyyyyyyyyy that’s me!’ Bozo loudly laughed as he always did, then added, ‘Isn’t that right Father Heff?’

Fr. Heffernan jumped in his chair; the Monsignor warmly smiled,

‘Our favourite clown he is!’

FIN

Author Notes: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aw9uT9HHAJ0

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