I'm sure that this is an interesting read... but I gave up on it after two paragraphs.

The problem is that your paragraphs are FAR too long. Shorter, 'snappy' paragraphs are preferable to long, rambling writing as they are easier to read and to absorb. I would suggest that editing your story would be beneficial.

I would also suggest that you re-read the submission guidelines. They clearly state that the use of numerals in prose is NOT good practice.

You are undoubtedly a good story-teller and you put a lot of effort into what you produce. The bad habits you have grown into let you down a little, though. Solve those small issues and you'll be a great writer! :-)