Dawn's Dream World: Dawn Makes a Choice Reviews
Given that you told most of your story in your introduction I didn't feel that it was necessary for me to read the actual story. Please read my piece 'How to Write a Teaser'. It will be of benefit to you...
Your story sends a strong moral message in an interesting and engaging manner that does not patronise your reader. That is to your credit.
There are some grammar and punctuation errors that need correcting, which your computer's spell-checker and thesaurus will help with.
Overall a good piece. I look forward to reading more from you soon :-)