My best friend died last month. It wasn't a car crash. It wasn't cancer. It wasn't carbon monoxide as she was sleeping. Her death wasn't caused by an accident or bad genes. She caused her death. It was suicide. For the life of me I can't seem to figure out why she did it. In my eyes her life was impeccable, what more could she want?
Everyone expects me to be completely heart broken. I'm not. I don't feel depression, or grief. I don't feel anything. It feels as though the second she consumed that poison in the hotel room I was stripped of every single emotion I contained. Now I'm just a shell of the person I used to be. I'm hallow.
I stare at my reflection in the mirror. I know the girl I see is me but I don't feel like she is. She looks like a stranger. Hannah's funeral is tonight. I glance out my window to gaze at the tree in the front yard. When we were little we'd compete to see who could climb higher. I let out a deep sigh. Why is it wherever I look I see her? As if I don't already miss her enough.
My phone beeps, reminding me it's time to go. I take one last look at the tree before I exit the house to enter my car. I sit in the front seat urging myself to cry but no tears escape my eyes. I can't feel anything. I'm about to have a mental break down when I see a small white butterfly land on the window. "The white ones are my favorite. They look like angels in disguise." Hannah's voice states in my thoughts. The memory takes over. We were sitting on the lawn when a flurry of butterflies flew past us, she pointed her finger up and told me her favorite.We were ten. She's gone Taz. And she's not coming back. I remind myself.
Before any unwelcome memories come to mind I pull out of the driveway. I check my watch to make sure I'm not late yet. I parallel park behind an old Camaro, it's Dustin's car. I get out of my rolling piece of metal to approach the large group of people waiting in front of the doors of the church. Dustin walks towards me, a look of sadness filling his face.
"Hey Taz." He greets, his dark Caribbean blue eyes watch me.
"Hi Dustin." I respond politely, Dustin is Hannah's old boyfriend.
"You okay?" He asks, his eyes going from depression to worry.
"No. Are you?" I answer after tucking my purse under my arm.
"No. Taz?" He pauses "Do you know why she did it?" I shake my head, my gaze falling to the ground.
"I don't know why she did it."
Author Notes: I'm not sure if I'll continue this or not.