My head hurts from all of her talking. Maybe I should just get help... but I can't, because that would mean that somethings wrong with me, right? and I'm perfectly fine. But if I was fine would I be talking to myself? I just wish I could stop...
"Come on Haylie, just kill yourself already,” said the voice in my head.
Shut up, Margaret!
There has to be something wrong with me, normal people don't talk to voices in their head. Maybe if I just keep on walking she’ll just go away... my friends say that the voices are just my internal monologue but I don’t talk to the ‘internal monologue’ I talk to my voices, like Margaret and Johnny. I should just stop thinking and focus on the trees, focus on the people, calm down and don’t scream Haylie because then people would look.
"If you really mattered then why hasn’t anyone noticed your pain,” sneered Margaret.
I don't need to think about that Margaret, leave me the hell alone! I'm walking and it's a beautiful day outside, the trees are even starting to bloom…
“Haylie, stop trying to be normal, you talk to people in your head and no one actually cares about you, so just give it up,” she said.
I swear Margaret just leave me alone! Johnny is so much better than you, you’re an awful person! At least he plays games!
“Haylie dear, you know I’m right. Johnny just wants you to live so he can use you, but you don’t deserve it, and it’s my job to help you realize that.”
Margaret’s face looks sympathetic, but her words are like knives. She does look pretty today though in her elegant gown, long blonde hair, and red lipstick. If other people could see her they’d probably marvel at her beauty, but isn’t it funny how the prettiest people have the coldest hearts? I can feel it coming again. There’s this split tearing me away from reality, but I can’t do it here in the park, people will think I’m insane, right? And I’m perfectly fine… but there’s this rage that bubbles up inside me. Margaret keeps pushing me toward a direction I don’t want to go in…pushing me towards a place that I keep fighting so hard to escape…and I do. I do escape most of the time but each time I can feel myself one step closer to what I’m trying to avoid. I’m afraid that one day I won’t have control and people will see me lose it before I can get to my room and let it all out and pray for sanity. Come on Haylie, just keep walking in the park, keep walking the concrete circles.
“Haylie, you’re talking to yourself again” whispered Margaret with a smirk.
No Margaret, I’m thinking to myself, not talking, and if you would just leave me alone then I could walk in the park in peace without having to listen to you.
“When are you going to understand that what I’ve been telling you is true, and deep down inside you know it,” she screamed.
I’m going insane I swear! Her screams are going to keep me up all night again, but what if she’s actually right and my life is useless. Why do people live anyway? I don’t understand the point of life. Everyone wakes up and goes through the same routine every day, but why? What is so important about the next day that causes us to wake up and get out of bed?
“See, now you’re getting it. Your life isn’t important and everything you do is useless since you’re just going to die anyway,” said Margaret.
You’ve been in my head for five years now, haven’t you said enough already? If I get help then maybe you’ll learn to shut up and leave me alone.
“You tried getting help already remember? You told your parents five years ago when I first came to you. You’re sixteen now and you still haven’t gotten help, it’s better that I stay with you so that you know the truth,” she insisted.
Her big brown eyes and pale face look flawless. How could something so beautiful be pure evil? If other people could see her they’d be shocked! I know I’m different than other people but if I get help, then that means that something’s wrong with me, right? And I’m perfectly fine… I could be dead already but I stopped myself, that counts for something right? I just need to keep walking, focus on the sky, focus on the trees, it’s still a beautiful spring evening, at least Margaret can’t ruin that. I should probably slow down though, the people fishing might think I’m crazy for walking so fast. They’re probably normal. It’s weird how there are so many people in the world that I don’t know. Who knows what’s going on in their heads as they walk. Normal people probably walk without thinking and enjoy the swaying of the trees and the sounds of the water, but when I walk it’s more like a gateway for my mind to open up to the quietness and scream out its thoughts. It’s a good thing people can’t hear what I’m thinking… wait did I just laugh out loud?
“You did it again, you’re going crazy, you’re going crazy, you’re just like me,” she sang.
"Don't listen to Margaret, come play with me instead," whispered another voice.
Of course, Johnny always wants to play, doesn't he? I wish he would just go away, all I want to do is walk, I need quiet before I scream from the sound of their voices. They don’t belong in my head!
"He just wants to use you, if you die he can't use you, Haylie!" Margaret yelled, her words echoing in my brain.
Even her voice is beautiful, but what spews out is pure poison! Her words hurt me over and over again to the point where I want to scream, but that would be insane today since I’m obviously trying to walk. It doesn’t really make sense, does it? She always tries to twist my thoughts and submerge me back into a ‘deep depression’, but I’m done with that. You’ve been there Haylie and it wasn’t worth the pain so just stay happy, no more tears and no more blood. Focus on the trees, the beautiful dancing of the fish in the water, focus on anything but Margaret…actually just focus on anything but them.
“You can’t ignore my voice forever. You can see me, there’s nothing you can do to change that, so just accept the pain Haylie, I’m part of your mind and you can’t stop that. You did it to yourself, you’re a very lonely person you know, I can hear your thoughts,” she retorted.
"Leave her alone so she can play! If you don't play I'm just going to leave!" Johnny cried.
I’m glad he’s leaving. He looks just like my brother Jacob did before he died. I miss Jacob, he would’ve known what to do. Jacob didn’t play as much as Johnny does though. The last time Johhny asked me to play, I ended up in the hospital and that wasn't good, the doctors almost caught me trying to die. No, I can't think about that now, I need to keep on walking, keep on breathing, and definitely shouldn’t cry. I just don’t understand why they won’t leave my head. I wonder if my Uncle Jason saw them too, mom said something about him seeing things and called him schizophrenic, so maybe he understands. I could talk to him about it... but Uncle Jason is crazy, and I’m not crazy...I swear I’m not crazy. Maybe if I die, they'll leave me alone, but that’s not right is it? I should walk home, it doesn’t feel like spring anymore, spring is too happy and this is anything but happy.
“Haylie, remember not to say anything when you get home, they’ll think you’re crazy and that wouldn’t be good would it? Then you’d really have to die” said the voice in my head.
Yes Margaret, of course they’d think I’m crazy, normal people don’t see someone who tells them to die.
"You know it's the truth, you know deep down inside you should be dead right now and there's nothing you can say to convince me otherwise. Even your parents think so, that's why they haven't noticed Haylie, they don't care about you! Johnny doesn't even care about you, he's just a stupid little boy who wants to play, and I just want you dead," she taunted.
Shut up, shut up, please just SHUT UP!
I hope no one can see me crying. Can they see me slowly drowning in my voices? What if people could feel my pain and hear my voices, would they be scared too? Maybe if I tell my parents, they can make Margaret go away, her words make me want to scream until I can’t breathe. Last time I told them though, they said it was just my imagination but Margaret and Johnny don’t come from my imagination, do they? I don’t think so. I guess I'll just keep on walking, focus on the trees, focus on the sky, anything but their voices.
I’m not crazy...