There were definitely some grammatical errors and spelling, as well as punctuation, but that can be fixed with some adjustments. I can tell this kind of fantasy story is something you like to indulge yourself in and somehow relate to, so that intrigues me a lot. It does seem a bit predictable but I also haven't read the next part yet, so maybe I'll be wrong :) overall, the story line is something of a typical teenage broken outcast surrounded by beautiful people- it may do some good to point out imperfections in the characters and talk about those things to add some more dynamic to the story. I am, however, enticed to read part two!