First off, the use of numerals in prose is not good practice, as noted in the Submission Guidelines. Please remember for future submissions...

There are some good points to your story but overall, it's all a bit heavy-handed and somewhat stilted. You would have benefitted from showing your story around to friends and family for comments to iron-out some of the 'awkward' parts.

Overall, though, a fair effort. I look forward to reading future submissions :-)