Your writing style makes reading parts of your story awkward and uncomfortable. The mixture of straightforward English and the more 'flowery' descriptions clash unpleasantly in places, which does not make for an entertaining read.

I was also somewhat puzzled by the rather confusing opening to your story, with the choppy incomplete thoughts and ideas. Okay, you got to your point eventually, but in such a roundabout way that it left me puzzled as to why you chose that way of doing it? Why not just tell the story 'straight'?

This is a good story (I would perhaps have submitted it in two parts, though) with some good parts and some rather out-of-place language and descriptions. I look forward to reading more from you :-)