Poodles versus Invaders!
By JPYoung
Parlour
‘You’re frightening the children!’
Francesca Danté’s puzzled husband Phil and the ‘children’, Franco and Ciccia, their poohbah poodles, gave questioning looks from the couch.
‘It’s that old television show you watch together on DVD in your man cave…You know…the one with that scary music…’,
Fran vocalised Dominic Frontiere’s paranoic theme.
‘Oh! The Invaders!’
The poodles viciously snarled.
‘They love that show! Like Walt Disney said, children love being scared. In fact, they identify The Invaders way before David Vincent does.’
Tails wagged proudly.
‘It’s giving them nightmares!’
Phil imagined them making the sign of a square with their front paws, but prudently suppressed his laughter,
‘So do veterinarians.’
They growled.
Though they regularly watched DVDs with Phil in his ‘man cave’ den, or television with Fran in their parlour, it wasn’t often that they had a visible reaction. They viciously barked at the mummy in the opening of Johnny Quest, and when Lou Costello or Jerry Lewis did something ultra-stupid, they gave expressions of,
Est-ce vraiment drôle?
Phil’s favourite poodle moment was watching Bataan together. When the Japs, disguised as trees, crept up on Robert Taylor’s exhausted defenders, they snarled. When the Yanks opened fire, fixed bayonets and mopped up the floor with them, they wagged their tails and yapped in delight.
‘The door’s always open. They can run off if they want.’
Prends ça, Maman!
Fran glared…because that’s what they did when they watched her TV shows. When she kept them in her lap, they fell asleep, with Ciccia snoring like Phil’s aunt.
Den
Phil moved his eyes towards the stairwell. The poodles leapt out of their baskets!
Ciccia jumped with both front paws, both rear paws, both front paws…Franco scampered up the stairs like a spider with paws outward as Phil sang,
‘Spiderdog! Spiderdog! Your friendly neighbourhood Spiderdog!’
He placed the DVD in his standalone player…
David Vincent himself, a mature Roy Thinnes, resembling a hip uni prof, reminisced…all three were joyous,
Ahhhh! Dahveed Vonsant…Le doyen de la défense contre les extraterrestres!
‘Next!…The Invaders! IN COLOUR!!!’
Tails wagged.
William Woodson gravely narrated,
‘The Invaders! Alien beings from a dying planet…’
The poodles snarled,
Salauds!
‘Their destination: the Earth! Their purpose: to make it THEIR world...’
Salopards!
‘David Vincent has seen them!’
They barked,
C'est la bow-bow-WOW!!!
Fran dramatically entered the man cave!
‘What’s going on here???’
They leaped off Phil’s lap and ran to her,
Maman! Maman! Regarde! The Invaders sont arrivés! Ils sont très dangereux!
‘For him, it began one lost night on a lonely country road, looking for a shortcut that he never found...’
‘Settle down, or we’ll watch my television!’
The poodles saddened and shook their bottoms in frustration,
Rabat-joie!
‘I can hear you from downstairs!
They leapt back in Daddy’s lap for protection.
‘The children can watch my lifestyle show with me…’
The poodles cowered…
‘…They’re educational!’
‘Greedy, Yuppie and Rude…It proves the vapid and vicious are still with us.’
‘What did you say?’
Phil cowered…
They were exasperated as the flying saucer landed and Roy Thinnes literally turned red…the sequence that made them bark the loudest…
Ne sommes-nous pas vos gardiens?
Bedroom
Franco and Ciccia dashed into the bedroom and leapt on their bed.
‘I told you that show gives them nightmares!’
‘They don’t have nightmares, they’re here to protect us.’
Une prémonition!
‘I think you’re right, Mon Cher. They will protect us! Ciccia is your Tatie come back to us…and Franco is a small furry you.’
Phil and Fran massaged them as they posed in proud profiles; for poodles know when they look good...
‘They’re French…They’ll run to the Americans for help!’
Phil guffawed as the poodles sneered at Fran.
The quartet had a love-up and drifted off to sleep together…
Bushwalk
It was another wonderful day in Paradise.
Unfortunately, School Holidays meant the pavements would be filled with visiting zombie gawkers and the streets bumper-to-bumper with a procession of interlopers driving in circles shouting ‘MATE!’
‘Jungle patrol!’
They wagged their tails, today would be a country bush walk.
‘There’s no poodles like show poodles, like no poodles I know…’
The trio’s happiness became unease…Today the bush was too quiet…
The birds were silent and non-existent. For the first time he could recall, the trees were empty of the usual large colony of hanging fruit bats.
‘It feels like Ambush Alley…Franco! Left flank! Ciccia! Right Flank! Stay alert! Stay alive!’
They complied like all his patrols did.
The winter sun was setting; the sunlight changed colour, turning the gum trees red.
From the opposite direction two males with stupid looks on their faces that screamed ODD! ODD! ODD! WEIRDOS! walked to them. They resembled those who loitered in public toilets, pushed strange religions or held high positions in the Public Service…
Both poodles dashed in front of Phil and viciously barked.
‘Do your dog’s bite?’
‘Why would anyone have a dog who doesn’t bite?’
‘Your dogs are cute.’
In a faux German accent, Phil sang schoolboy doggerel,
‘Luffly puppies,
Cute as babies!
Vhat a shame,
Zey both haff RAY-BEES!’
‘Unless you’ve got a list of people you want to bite, stay away! They hate your guts! If my mates hate you, that’s good enough for me.’
Sensing fear, the poodles put on an Oscar-worthy performance portraying Devil’s Island Hellhounds.
Nous sommes VICIEUX!!!
‘I can’t hold them any longer! Run for your lives!!!’
The pair rapidly fled in a strange mechanical type of run.
‘We’ll go back the way we came. People like that suck up your time like vampires suck blood. We can see the colours of the sunset. Red sky at night, poodle’s delight!’
Tails returned to wagging.
They reached the outskirts of town as it turned dark.
C'est la bow-bow-WOW!!!
A large object with flashing lights zoomed from the woods into the clouds, then vanished.
‘Don’t tell Mama; she’ll think we’re having nightmares.’
FIN
Author Notes: Happy Halloween!
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