Love. Right? That warm fuzzy feelings. Butterflies and dreamy nights. Yes. All that. When you are as young as twenty something and hadn't figured out your life map; it's questionable when you exclaim !!! 'I am in love'. It's more likely that it's a hormonal surge. But when you are thirty and feel the same, more or less, it aught to be believable or why else would your heart break hearing him say that He had loved her while you had only dreamt of this very same a million times.
He was a perfect picture and I being nothing of the kind; committed a crime. That's how love works. I am broody and He was beautifully contained. Mysteriously aloof and nearby for me to fall in love with Him. Oh ! How I had loved him. Loved him so much so that He made me angry and happy, both at the same time. He would go on silence for days which had drove me mad and more in love with Him. Loving him broke my heart and mended it, both at once; if at all that was possible. I guess I really can say that I was head over heels in love with Him. He was simply Him. I still can't pin point to what drew me closer to Him. But He just did.
He was never meant to be mine. And that fact made me love Him even more. I painted pictures of Him in my thoughts. Despite knowing well enough that one day He will be of someone else's to love and hold and I would never get to see him grow old. He would never come home to me. I wouldn't be the one running my fingers through his hair to comfort his troubled mind in despair. Self inflicted pain? Nope! I know now, with more certainty than before, that it was Just Love. The good old fashioned love. Love is messy, so it's said.
It's said that you can't make a person fall in love with you. I was never foolish enough to believe that I did made Him so but I was definitely naive enough to think that He had loved me too, in bits and pieces. And recently when I discovered that while I dreamt of this very same, someone else already had that and much more. And it's a different kind of heartbreak when I heard him say that aloud. Like a knife twisting which might feel like an exaggeration but in all truth, it's only an understatement.
I wasn't oblivious to this truth but hearing Him say that, did a number on me. Number like , damn!!! I never really did have Him, not when I had thought that I did. He never really was there. And this. this is completely, truly heartbreaking!
Author Notes: A part of my heart will always love Him. My only regret, I couldn’t make him see me like that fuzzy warm feelings called ‘Love’