As we discussed, the original opening to your story had merit, but also had some problems. It is nice to see that the edits I suggested have been incorporated into the story. I hope you will take what you have learned into the rest of the story as you write it... :-)

Brilliantly written! Glorious! Great use of words and imageries! I can imagine all this stuff happening. The way you write is fabulous. Starting the story with such a serene description of nature makes the story so irresistible.