Hi Daniel,

This is closer to a vignette than a story. I like that you've tried writing in the 1st person POV because that's very difficult. The one thing to remember about that, and this is something you will hear a thousand times more, is to go deeper into the character.

Don't use the filter words "I felt, I saw" etc because they put a filter between your character and the narrative (your reader). Just say what happens because we ARE the character.

Make sure you take a look at correct dialogue punctuation. That will benefit you on your long writing journey. Good luck!