The first person approach to this story is very interesting. I did not care for the story but found my self compelled to read it. The juxtaposition of the days was well managed. The pace was very good - no wasted moments. The writing and imagery and narrator's voice work well.

As to the structure of this piece - separating the paragraphs will give the piece a more professional appearance. I would suggest the author read this story out loud or have someone read it to them. This method highlights those subtle areas that need attention.

This story is not perfect but could be made so with some attention. I was drawn between three and four stars and gave it the benefit of the doubt if you will with four stars.
Ciao
JT