The Name Reviews
If ever there was an example of using words and phrases for effect, this is it:
"careful not to disrupt the silence"
"my mind racing with the all information the frames could be holding"
"my heart beating harshly against its cage of ribs. My stomach hurt and boiled with the effort to stay upright."
"I fell to the ground, landing with a forever sounding thump"
I'm sorry, but this sort of writing is just plain bad. You are trying far too hard to be 'clever' that you are making yourself look silly. Just write how you think and speak, not how you think you OUGHT to write. You can write - and have written - better than this wasted effort.
It's not a bad start, Kaleigh, although it's not a full story arc yet, or did the protagonist actually die at the end? In that case, how is she able to tell us the story?
One thing to be wary of is giving a laundry list of descriptions. It slows down the pace and actually removes tension from the narrative. Be mindful of tense changes, they make or break a story.
Keep on writing!