Please register or login to continue

Register Login

The Name Reviews

2 reviews have given an average rating of 1.5 out of 5 Stars
Andy (Formerly Apemann) gave a rating of 1

If ever there was an example of using words and phrases for effect, this is it:

"careful not to disrupt the silence"

"my mind racing with the all information the frames could be holding"

"my heart beating harshly against its cage of ribs. My stomach hurt and boiled with the effort to stay upright."

"I fell to the ground, landing with a forever sounding thump"

I'm sorry, but this sort of writing is just plain bad. You are trying far too hard to be 'clever' that you are making yourself look silly. Just write how you think and speak, not how you think you OUGHT to write. You can write - and have written - better than this wasted effort.

Kat That is how I think. Maybe not how I speak, but that's how I think. I narrate things in my mind and that's how they come out. Sorry if you think those are bad examples.
Author -
Andy (Formerly Apemann)
Andy (Formerly Apemann) It's not that I "think" they are bad examples: they ARE bad examples. Use words and phrase in your writing that you would use in your own everyday speech, not the garbled mixture of nonsense that you sometimes add in to your works. Do YOU honestly believe that the examples I quoted in my review are good? I cannot believe that you genuinely do. Stop trying so hard to come across as 'clever' in your stories and just be YOURSELF. You will find the results will shine in your writing :-)
Reviewer -
lemonslice gave a rating of 2

It's not a bad start, Kaleigh, although it's not a full story arc yet, or did the protagonist actually die at the end? In that case, how is she able to tell us the story?

One thing to be wary of is giving a laundry list of descriptions. It slows down the pace and actually removes tension from the narrative. Be mindful of tense changes, they make or break a story.

Keep on writing!

Kat Thanks so much for the feedback!! I wil definitely work on those things, and appreciate the help.
Author -

Please login or register to review this story.