I agree with Fate that it's good. It's something that you can certainly build upon. The one thing that I wished for, though, is something more finished. It feels like the beginning of something. Something good, perhaps? I, personally, like conclusions or cleverly open-ended stories that leave me with thought.

This piece has some minor mistakes and it seems a little force out but it is still good. One advice is try not to use the same word too much. Like "girl" was used. You want to avoid that. Still this was an interesting beginning and I look forward to read what else you got.

Have a good afternoon
Fate🌸