I quietly stuffed my binder and shirt into my bag. I slipped on my blouse and walked out of the bathroom stall and went to the sink to wash my hands. I felt my phone buzz and pulled it out to see my Mom's text. “I’m here Bella.”
I felt myself cringe as I looked at my girly name. I hated that name so much. A few people called me Bo as a nickname, but I wished I had a more masculine name that was my name, not my nickname.
I walked out of the school and climbed to my mother's car.
“Hey, sweet girl.”
I felt myself cringe again at ‘girl’.
“How was school?”
We stayed quiet for the rest of the ride.
When I got home I finished my homework and put on my headphones to watch YouTube. I watched ftm passing videos and came across a video about a trans girl talking about coming out.
“It was really hard but I told them. I was not the boy they wanted. I told them how I felt and what I planned to do with my life because of this. Luckily my Mom was super supportive, Dad was reluctant but he is slowly getting used to the idea of it.” The YouTuber smiled at the ground. “I was very lucky. But if you aren’t as lucky or haven’t come out yet just know I support you. I support you, many people online support you, and even people in your community support you even if you don’t know it.“
I felt a tap on my shoulder and I turned to see my little sister Tessa. I quickly turned off my tablet
"Mama says it's dinner time."
She looked at my tablet.
"What are you watching?"
At the table, I poked at my vegetables. I wasn't hungry really.
"Beth's bother Tom got killed while he was out of town," Tessa said sitting down at the table. She had a troubled look on her face.
"Do you mean her sister?" My mom said without looking up.
I clenched my fork angerly. Beth was Tessa's best friend and Tom had occasionally hung out with them, my mother had met him several times but my mother always misgendered him on purpose.
Tessa gave her a defeated look. "No. Her brother, the one you met at the concert. He went to the college next to our church."
"Oh, the girl who thinks she is a boy."
"He got killed because he was trans wasn't he," I asked before my mother could say anything else transphobic.
My mom gave me a surprised look. Usually, I stayed out of their conversations.
"Yes," Bella said nervously.
" Well, that was her fault for choosing to be a boy." Mom stood up to put away her plate.
"Do you want me to die then?" I asked abruptly.
Tessa looked at me. My mother gave me a startled look.
"What? Bella, what is she talking about?" My mother was staring at me with a horrified look on her face, I felt my confidence grow.
I felt myself smile, "I'm a boy Mom."
Quite. No one spoke.
"Go to bed Bella." I grabbed my plate a carelessly tossed it into the sink. I turned to Tessa and gave her a confident smile. She smiled back and I knew she would support me no matter what. I was grateful that my family finally knew.
The next few days were the best in my life. I started going by Samuel and tried to leave my old name behind. Tessa was very respectful and started using my new name and pronouns. I started dressing exactly the way a wanted and even had on my binder at home. I felt free.
My mother refused to call me Samuel. She kept calling me her little girl and other girly nicknames. But I didn't care. I knew she would never support this.
About six days after I came out, I found myself in the school's genderneutral bathroom looking in the mirror. I looked at my long blonde hair. Usually, I hid it in a hat but I wanted to change that. I had asked my mother many times if I could get it cut but now that she knew I was trans she refused. I reached into my bag and pulled out my fabric scissors that were for my home economics class.
I started cutting my hair and cut until it was barely three inches long. I looked into the mirror and smiled. The deed was done.
My phone buzzed. "I'm here Bella."
I answered with "Samuel" and quickly put my severed hair into the trash.
I proudly walked outside holding my hat and bag. when I got to the car my mom go stared at me.
"What did you do to your hair?"
"I cut it," I said proudly.
I felt hurt. She would never understand.
It's been five years. I started testosterone and I'm planning to get top surgery soon. I'm going to a college far away from my home state and I haven't regretted it. Here people except me. I have really good friends and a girlfriend who loves me for who I am. I haven't talked to my Mother since I left, but to be honest I don't really care. She never excepted me and I have so many people who do here. I feel loved.