Just a normal day i wake up for school and get dressed and wait for the bus with my friends and we have our usual talk in the morning. Just being a teen age boy and having girls around you try dating and stuff right so as usual i try flirting with one to see where i would get. Not to be surprised she shoots me down so i just move on and try not to get in my feelings, so at this time im in school learning and talking with classmates and i go around the class talking to every one because im friendly and seeing everyone energy. Basically seeing whose friend and foe and like usual i try talking to some girls again different of course and try flirting and.... i still get rejected and still same thing over and over and over. In high school i should mind but im talking to multiple girls class after class after class im just tired of being by myself and i just wanted a mate just to have fun with. i even try talking to girls out of my class even different grade levels and still getting rejected and with all these girls they say im ugly not their type and so on so forth and this is over a school year and im starting to feel so type of way and get emotional. i have talks with myself saying am i ugly and many things like that when i look at my self i don't think im ugly not in my body type just in the face. i even go up to random girls and just ask if im ugly or not and it would be so confusing some would say yes and some say no but none of them would date me. so at this point im kinda giving up because it's at a emotional level where how hard i try i dont work and its over whelming.
so i go home after school and my dad drops me off to my grandparents house so i can help then and do some chores. I really don't mind doing it for them because their old and it's just nice to help them. I love my grandparents and my grandpa he so easygoing, nicest person every doesnt talk much but when he does he's fun, He doesnt do much but watch tv. My grandma on the other hand total opposite, i love her but i don't like the things she does or says to me. So at this point im already sad from school some days and the things my grandma would say would just devastate me i would have terrible thoughts and imaginations. For example i would mis hear a lot of things, she would ask me for the broom and i would bring her shoes and she would get mad at me and call me names but its these two words that she use the most and i would get in my feelings about ,dumb and stupid. and over a long period of time it would hurt because not much or even ever has she or anyone i know no one ever told me that they love me just out of there will. Not me telling them to of me saying it first. Im a love person and that's all im trieing to spread and im a libra so it's also in me to love and for me to not get love back really really hurts and i start having thoughts of depression and suicide and other things running away. one day i found my granddad gun and i thought about shooting my self i was ugly no one loved me and i was in pain. But being a male also growing up with only a dad and grandparents and not getting love and affection sucks and i just want to feel like im needed loved a part of something and someone cares anyone. I can say a friend but there not a best friend to lean on and cry on there shoulder there just a person i see for maybe thirty minutes to an hour five days a week for a place i go to for eight hours to maybe never see again next year.
United States • 20 years old