Andy (Formerly Apemann)

This story was terrible. I hated it so much. Gross, incompetent and no need for writing. And also, this comment was INSPIRED by ur rude comment to kat. Thanks v much and once again, ur very rude,

This is terribly depressing, was difficult to read through it all. Found it to be all over the place.

I didn't think it was possible but you've managed to increase the rate in which my brain cells deplete.

What the freaking hell does this even mean

This is terribly written, sounds like you wrote out the argument you had with yourself in your head... where's the redemption part?

I don't know what your trying to accomplish with this piece of writing, but it's definitely not a structured shorty story. This reads like a confession for sure, but not a shorty story. There is no specific incident, rising action, or climax. This is like a crime report that is written well, but that's about it.

Needs more descriptive words, did not like this style.

Not sure what to make of this ... The theme shows some promise, but I had a hard time getting past the first section because of the author's habitual overuse of modifiers and stilted dialogue. For example: "Never could I have imagined so many children in one place and not hear one giggle or peal of laughter or not see one cheeky grin or shy smile!" For my part, I could never imagine someone actually talking like that. Then in the last part of the story, the attacker's language is a phonetic caricature of a dialect. It draws attention to itself rather than suggests a manner of speaking. I understand that this story is "to be continued," but I'm afraid this isn't an encouraging installment.