United Kingdom • 65 y/o • MaleReviews Given
Your mixture of classic-like phraseology and contemporary modes of speech makes this piece, at times, awkward to read. It feels almost 'jokey' in places, which I'm sure was not what you intended. You do write well, but the inconsistency in your writing 'voice' undermines what you produce.
This IS a good story.
A very creditable first effort in the micro-fiction genre.
Be wary of being 'too clever', though: why you could not have used the word 'shirt' instead of 'maillot' is beyond me... Remember, you want to engage your readers, not alienate them :-)
Overall, a good start. Well done!
A surprisingly poignant and hard-hitting story which is well told. A very good job overall. Sure, there are one or two minor errors in spelling and grammar, but nothing that seriously detracts from the story. Well done!
Simple, heartfelt and so typically you!
Nice one, hon...
This is good :-)
Just a simple thing to note: if you're going to leave dots at the end of a sentence the norm is to leave three...
Overall, a really good effort.
A good story well told... although your 'brief' introduction took away some of the suspense. The idea of that section to give a general idea of your story in JUST A FEW WORDS, not explain what is coming in detail.
I would also suggest that with a piece this long that you submit it as two of three parts. It is unlikely that many people will make the effort - or even have the time - to spend reading such a long story in one sitting, whereas they will more likely read it in 'bite-size' chunks.
Overall, though, an interesting and entertaining effort.