Andy (Formerly Apemann)

As a 'poem', this just doesn't work.

As a flash-fiction piece it would work perfectly (with a little reworking).

Clearly you are not one to take advice as you have previously been told about using numerals in your work...

This piece tries to be clever and inventive but actually ends up being tiresome and repetitive and, to be brutally frank, rather boring. It doesn't really have anything particularly interesting to say which has me wondering what is was you were actually trying to put across?

Sadly this falls in to the category of writing that feels a tad too self-important for its own good to the point that nobody other than the person who wrote it can make head or tail of it... A waste of your talent I'm afraid.

I applaud the fact that you made the effort to attempt something. So many don't even try, so well done for that.

Your poem is not without flaws, the principle one being the somewhat 'forced' couplets. As a general rule of thumb if you have to force the rhyme then the better course of action would be to not use it at all. Also, there appear to be elements of free verse as well as the more structured rhyming couplets, which just does not work. It is far better to stick to one format or the other to avoid confusion. What you have ended-up with is something that has not really worked very well.

Do not be discouraged! You are on a learning curve; to tell you that you are brilliant and wonderful at this juncture would be to do you a grave disservice. You have much to learn. The best ways to do so are to (a) Read more poetry (you can not read too much!) and to KEEP WRITING. Practice makes perfect: the more you write the better at it you'll become. Good luck :-)

What a pity you spoiled an otherwise engaging story with this out-of-place line:

"Vaishnav! You good for nothing twat! I'm trying to teach an important derivation here!"

Surely your vocabulary could have come up with something less jarring and offensive than the word 'twat'? It's not the word I object to, more its use in this piece. You write so well - almost poetically at times - yet throw in this crudity without rhyme or reason. It does nothing for the story and certainly does not reflect well on you as a writer.

Regrettably it is this I will remember most about your story rather than the more important (and interesting) point you were trying to make.

Your poem title conflicts with the actual poem: how can you describe something "indescribable"?

Again, as mentioned before, some of your rhymes are forced: "And his cute little chin/Which is smaller than the head of the pin" is simply ridiculous and negates the whole poem. There are other lines, too, that are equally as dubious...

I admire the fact you try. If you take on board the advice you are given your writing will certainly improve. Keep practicing! :-)