United States • 47 y/oReviews Given
This is a nice piece. It seems like it could work well as an illustrated children's story. Well done.
Not sure what to make of this ... The theme shows some promise, but I had a hard time getting past the first section because of the author's habitual overuse of modifiers and stilted dialogue. For example: "Never could I have imagined so many children in one place and not hear one giggle or peal of laughter or not see one cheeky grin or shy smile!" For my part, I could never imagine someone actually talking like that. Then in the last part of the story, the attacker's language is a phonetic caricature of a dialect. It draws attention to itself rather than suggests a manner of speaking. I understand that this story is "to be continued," but I'm afraid this isn't an encouraging installment.
I like the concept of this story, and the language is interesting and readable. What's missing is characterization. I don't see any protaganist, so it's kind of hard to get emotionally involved and take the concept seriously. I feel like it's a good start on an idea but it needs "fleshing out" (pun intended) to work as a story.
Thanks for sharing it!