United Kingdom • 61 y/oReviews Given
Fresh flowers that smell etherial, brought in from the garden" reads better than "fresh flowers brought in from the garden that smell etherial." Otherwise your descriptions are excellent. A simple story but beautifully told.
The frustrations you're describing are quite common for writers and other people too. That doesn't make it all right but it means people can do their best and carry on despite the issues. The clay metaphore is good.
A lot of writers feel like this at times. I sometimes do. For a recent story I wstched a documentary about lifeboat crews, then used a similat scenario in my story 'Dark Midwinter Night.' The story took a respectable number of hits but not as many as some of mine and not as many as I hoped for. Pethaps I didn't convey all I wanted to. What do other people think?
'They thought it couldn't get any worse but it did" reads bettet than 'it couldn't get any worse but it did.'
Ahmed could ask who took his blanket. He need not be annoyed but only curious. If someone else was cold in the night it would be natural to ask who that was, if not in anger then with concern.
If he confronts an obstical or two when fleeing the ghost it raises the tension. If his horse stumbles or slips that would add to the excitement. You could have them recover quickly and race on. If he panics and so gets lost while escaping, again there's more tension. His friends could come and find him.
Keep practising at your writing.
Could you say the previous killings happened in a different town but the same county? That way its more plausible that Victoria would go jogging alone. Also, if you add that her cat came from a rescue centre that indicates that she's kind and so gives us a reason to root for her. It makes her a little more active.
I wrote a story on a similar theme and put it on this site. Its on page 9 now. Perhaps reading someone else's take on it would help.
You have an interesting premise, but need a longer piece to develop it further. If Rose is in love with Billy she should make more effort to get him back. Does she go to his house only to find he's moved and didn't tell her? Does Billy have a relative or a friend who thinks less well of her and obstructs her? Later on, does Billy's wife or child take against Rose? That would make for a more spirited character and more emotional complexity.
You could have described a fight between man and wolf, that or him chasing her or both. Its hard to imagine a wolf going down without attempting to resist.