United States • 59 y/oReviews Received
You have an interesting premise, but need a longer piece to develop it further. If Rose is in love with Billy she should make more effort to get him back. Does she go to his house only to find he's moved and didn't tell her? Does Billy have a relative or a friend who thinks less well of her and obstructs her? Later on, does Billy's wife or child take against Rose? That would make for a more spirited character and more emotional complexity.
If Cal tries to stand up to his mother but she won't stop objecting, that would be more plausible than if he gives in immediately. It creates a bit more tension too.
Credit where its due, you've improved the story since you put an earlier version of it online.
This is a plausible, evocative story. Thanks for sharing it.
You could've told us more about what you and Charlie did together, games you played, music you listened to and so on. That would be a more subtle way of showing his character. That said, there are good descriptive passages here and the nostalga is heartfelt. Many people will relate to the theme of a warm but lost friendship.
I'm glad Wolf made it in the end.
I'd have put a little more suspense in the opening blurb. I'd have put 'will he turn his life around?' instead of saying he does. The actual story is good.
A moody, evocative, well-written supernatural tale.
It was tense and convincing.
Just one thing, in Britain the lifeboat would turn out even in a storm. Perhaps its different in Florida on account of storms being more intense, but in Britain people sometimes think they wouldn't launch a lifeboat in a storm, and they do. Even professionals don't always find casualties on dark nights, but they try.
I can almost believe it.