lemonslice

You've got a decent structure and an interesting subject matter here. What lets you down are unnecessary typos and grammar mistakes.

This is more of a vignette than story, however. I do suggest you read up on the difference, because a lot of writers receive rejection letters because they don't understand this.

Hiya,

I'd say this is a character vignette or a scene, rather than a story. For the most part, it's quite good but like other here say: think about the words you use. Less is more and don't substitute clarity with flowery prose that don't really mean anything.

Having a character waking up and preparing themselves for a day is cliché and something you should avoid in your writing. Always start your story as close to the inciting incident as possible. Keep up the writing!

I liked the twist but I disliked the use of the adverb in "yells loudly". How do you yell "silently"?

While your poem isn't "bad", I just felt it to be somewhat rushed. It doesn't invoke any particular emotions or imagery in me. You've also got a typo on the penultimate line.

Interesting vignette. Read up on how dialogue punctuation works in fiction because it's incorrect here.

I like how you formatted the poem, but the words didn't invoke anything for me. I didn't feel anything. Take this line for example:

"I burn like ashes"

What does that even mean? Do ashes burn?

A line like "I often think of death" could be made much more visceral, making the reader feel something rather than just read a simple statement.

A couple of dialogue punctuation errors, but otherwise a pretty funny tale. Reminiscent of Monty Python delight.

Funny story. :)

Remember to write out numbers with letters instead. Especially if it's anything lower than a hundred.