United States • 19 y/oReviews Received
I like your descriptive style and the scenario is convincing, keep it up.
You describe the setting very well and your narrator's experiences are convincing. I'd have written "where an elderly couple grazed a mule" or "kept a mule" as they owned it wherever it was. Otherwise, well done.
You evokr the setting very well. I could imagine myself there.
What do we forget as we grow up?
We may have forgotten what caused us to feel energized every day. The author of “happy birthday†communicates the declining happiness as people mature by showing a musing speaker who personifies the memories of the childhood. In stanza 4, the speaker “loathe the easiness of [his or her childhood’s] short life.†This may imply that the speaker is already grown up, and the happy memories as a kid is making the current life be so unpalatable that the speaker wants to forget the past. In stanza 5, the personified childhood finally asks the speaker, presumably while crying, "Why are you like this?" However, during the conversation between the childhood, the speaker does not know the reason of having “[bloody] knees and [a] battered face†(stanza 6), and replies “I don’t know.†The speaker perhaps has been too ignoring the inevitable pain in life to forget the source of the pain. When the childhood spots the wounds, the theme that happiness decreases as people grow returns.
In my opinion, the poem was good. Other than what I have mentioned above, there were many other smart techniques. Though it was hard to understand in first few minutes, I think the vagueness was intentional
I lke the metaphore of the fist and the whole poem is evocative. Good work.
A lot of writers feel like this at times. I sometimes do. For a recent story I wstched a documentary about lifeboat crews, then used a similat scenario in my story 'Dark Midwinter Night.' The story took a respectable number of hits but not as many as some of mine and not as many as I hoped for. Pethaps I didn't convey all I wanted to. What do other people think?
The frustrations you're describing are quite common for writers and other people too. That doesn't make it all right but it means people can do their best and carry on despite the issues. The clay metaphore is good.
A lot of young people will relate to this. Its quite usual to break up with someone while in your teens. The trouble is, if its your first break up you've nothing to compare it with and no experience of getting over it. Give yourself time to reflect and recover. It won't seem like it now, but there's time to move on and meet someone else.