michaelvincent

You've got some good stuff there, but I think your poor grammar and punctuation lets your story down. It also takes too long until anything significant happens.

An unusual allegorical tale that has (to my mind) one major issue: very early in the story you describe Sarah as a 'little girl'. However she uses words and phrases more suited to a more adult/mature person. The two just do not jibe... Unfortunately this conflict spoilt the story for me as I could not get past the fact that it was supposed to be a little girl's speech I was reading.

Overall, though, it's a good story and well told. I would suggest that you revisit this piece and amend it to remove the age confusion issue. It would be to the story's benefit :-)