United States • 59 y/oReviews Received
Great work. Very descriptive and put me right in the heart of the action. Something you would find at a book store I would say. Well done.
Wow! This is a fine piece of work, a very easy read and hard to put down. With a few small changes I think it is publishable.
I have a few editing suggestions that I will send offline. Andy's review on Part 2 makes a good point about verbosity in some places. However it looks like you have done some work on the section called "The Equation." It seems very tight now and tells us something about the maturing Kalind and her labour to learn 'the art of balance.' (That is a novel concept ... rhythmic gymnastics as a martial art for self defence??? ;-)
I did wonder about the ending. Will you be posting other parts of your 'larger work in progress' so we can learn what happens? I can imagine Kalind becoming a despot like her uncle which would be very sad.
My only real complaint is that you set this story in a far future world, but except for the colony ruins there is nothing to make this sci-fi. It's maybe more accurately labelled fantasy or paranormal.
All the same ... so well done, a brilliant piece. Cheers!
I really wanted to enjoy your story... but you lost my concentration with your tedious and repetitive and excruciatingly tiresome description of her work with the ball in paragraphs two and three. This is definitely a case of far too much information for information's sake. There are other examples throughout your work, which really detracts from your story, which is a real pity. You could have covered almost all of those two paragraphs in half-a-dozen sentences without detriment to your story.
May I suggest a thorough re-read of both parts and some judicious editing to make the whole more palatable and reader-friendly? It's a good piece of work that has been somewhat damaged (not ruined!) by a dose of verbosity taking over in places. It is not irredeemable :-)