Philippines • 27 y/oReviews Received
Dude, that was great! There were a few punctuation errors, but I loved it! Hope to read more soon!
Allowing for the assumption that English is not your first language, there is still no excuse for ignoring the site's submission guidelines. There are many areas in your work where they have been totally ignored.
However, there is the germ of a good story here, but it need more work and more CARE taking over it if you do decide to continue with it. I would suggest that you edit this part first before you do so.
Why are you posting this when it's not the full thing? It's not a story now.
Also, watch the tense shifts and punctuation.