5 years of our life
Hi in all these 5 years (I guess so its 5 only) or may be more I never thought I would really tell you any thing about what all happened but I always wished to tell you but time never permitted. The time has changed and come to point where I knew it would be some day but never expected so early. So for the first time I am writing every thought that crossed my mind (mind it ‘every thought’), good or bad about our life. This is the most clearly and closely I am showing you myself to you…
16 july (I really can’t remember the year, my memory is blurring I guess) but any ways the date is right. It was date when I rather We joined the coaching, after I entered the room, I could hear only your voice, you were counseling neha, you spoke continuously and thought could she shut for a while I didn’t raise my eyes that day to see you, so I for that day I never knew how did you look. The day passed and next day was important, I came and sat beside rahul in the first row, neha was already sitting behind us then you came and sat beside her, you started talking to all of us rahul also talked, I as usual was silent. Even at that time I didn’t looked at you, then you said something about me rather praised me about the last day as I could do the drawing without much help, that was the point when I fully turned back to have a look at you. I won’t lie, I liked the way you dressed and carried yourself but I wasn’t attracted by your looks or to say in all these years ((please don’t mind, I said I tell you the truth)), your looks have never appealed to me too much.
Maam had not arrived till then and we talked kept on talking as usual spoke less and you talked, but that day I didn’t wanted you to shut up rather I felt good because all In my school days I had maintained much distance with girls as I was emotionally too weak those days. So when you started talking to me that day I felt really good. The class got over that day, you asked for my phone number and I gave you, in the evening while I was in my home you called and my mom picked up the phone, then she said to me some girl is on the other side, I was awestruck that time because till that day none of the girl had called me. Then the classes went by, after one or two days we went on the same way so I saw you once turning towards the inner part (where we usually went after wards from), I normally went the straight way from badshah nagar crossing, but that day after moving few more distance from where you turned, I decided to turn my bike on the same way, so I turned that way. I moved on the inside road, I couldn’t see you there so I decided to move towards my own destination, so started going staright and then you suddenly came driving from the front, you looked at me such a way that I couldn’t get the expression. I felt as if I was caught commiting a crime, I cursed myself for doing that, I straight way drove back home, but for the whole day I could get you eyes off from my thoughts. As our coaching was on alternate days I spent the whole next day thinking what would I say to you if you asked me why was I there.
The next day when I came to the coaching I met you outside only, you were parking you active, so I thought of moving fast and getting inside the class so that you would be able to ask me any question, but you turned before I could run inside the class. I my amazment instead of asking any question you said “hi” with a smile and began talking normal. I can’t tell you how relieved that time. But till today your I am able to get your eyes that off my mind, still I am not able to interpret that expression of yours.
That day we sat together, if you have noticed in all these years I never touch you, by touch I mean never even a tap on the shoulder for whatever work, because a touch always meant a lot to me. so on that day when we sat together you removed my had while I working tapped on my shoulder. All this was quiet new to me In way I liked it and in a way I didn’t. I liked it because of the fact that I felt I have a friend now and I didn’t like it because I didn’t wanted to get emotionally attached to you. Four days passed this way, it was the last week of july. I was alone in the house my parents were out of the town. I kept on watching T.V. till about 2’o clock in the night at the same time thinking about you. at about 2:30 in the morning I thought I should go out so I took the car and I was driving followed the same way I went to the coaching and in the way I crossed the way where you always turned, I turned my car in that direction and went in search of your house, I had no idea that you lived on that road or not or even how would I recognize that its your house in the night, I just kept on driving like mad person on the road in the night. The search went on till 5’o clock in the morning and finally I went back home.
The next when after the coaching was over you asked me which way I went and we went together, on the way we stopped and I told you how and why I left my house after telling that you held my hand and made me promise I won’t do that again. I really can’t say what I felt at that time but from that day you really started moving too much into my mind, I also told you that I wrote a novel and you asked for it.
The next class was on august 1, it was friendship day we were coming out of the coaching, every went from the upper part but we came down and walked from the lower part, that day you gave me a metal friendship band, ( I still do have it ) we came out, everybody was going to wave and we went there too. We were sitting at McDonalds when a group of boys took your picture and you told me and I went to those boys and asked them to stop that. ( I really can’t believe that I did that, you know me I fight and all those stuff), then you took a softy and you didn’t wanted to eat it but got no place to throw that so I did it for you. on our way back home I told you that I have brought the novel which I wrote. We crossed the indira bridge and turned towards your house and stopped, I gave you the novel there and you showed me your house from a distance and we went back to our homes.
The next morning was one of the turning point for me, you called me and started crying, you said you read the novel and kept on crying I didn’t knew what to say and what not to, I just felt a strong twitch in my heart, at that point of time I felt you have started liking me, (( I know it was my misinterpretation, but it was that way only at that time)), I had both the feeling at that time, I felt happy and at the same point I felt “no this shouldn’t be happening”, I didn’t wanted it happen because I made a promise to myself that I won’t falling into love any ways before joining the coaching.
The whole day passed like hell upon me, I just wanted to know were you alright, what was going in your heart, and I kept on thinking that if you loved me and asked me the next day what would I answer, I thought for the whole day and weighing every thing about the present and the future, I decided that I can’t love you because we won’t be together. So the final decision was to deny you if you asked me. I came to the coaching the next day and we met you talked pretty normal like nothing happened, you told me why you cried, and I came to the conclusion that I was wrong, I was relieved and hurt at the same time. But anyways things passed by. That weekend I had to go to my grandmother’s house in gorakhpur. Till three o clock I thought I would be going because I wanted to get away from you, or think about you a little less, but in spite of all that I just didn’t wanted to go. I boarded the train all the time I stood in the door trying to get you off my mind and In some corner of my heart wishing for the train to stop.
The wish in some corner of heart was granted, some thing got in the way of the train and the train had to be cancelled, I took out y phone, I only person I could to call was you, I thought thousand time typed your number and then again removed it it did this many times and then finally called, it was the first call I ever made to you (( I know the number of calls I had made to you are literally countable in these years, but wait later i’ll tell why I never used to call)), you picked up the phone, I had already rehearsed many times in the mind what to speak, but the moment you picked up the phone my mind was blank, I don’t remember much what did we talk, I only remember I told you about that I couldn’t go..
They train had stopped a little ahead of amity but in the interiors, I had no conveyance to reach the main road. Till that day I hadn’t told smit ((you may remember my only friend at that time, also in the novel, and while writing this I regret I don’t talk to him either anymore)) , about my going to the coaching or about you. I called him and asked him to pick me up from there. He came and while in the way I told him every thing about you. he was a little hurt because I hadn’t told him earlier, but he was more happy about I being in some what love and with a tiny chance of getting it. We were sitting in Aryans the same evening when you called up, you told me that you felt alone, should you love someone or not, and I suggested that you shouldn’t because after some months where you would be even you don’t know. I was trying to be practical in giving the advise or rather I was trying to make myself believe that I shouldn’t be in love with you.
Some more days went by and one day when we were going back home, a car followed us firstly you didn’t said any thing then when we turned the car turned with us and overtook us, you said he was your friend, then the car stopped and we went to the car, there you made me meet pankaj, the time I saw him, the first thought was how can you be friend with such a guy. I shook hands with him, the way he shook hands with me I just knew that he liked you. I didn’t gave him much of a thought, he went away and we moved slowly and it started raining……………
That rain, I still remember that moment, ((please don’t mind whatever I am going to say, I am telling every thought that came to my mind, that is why I am writing this, or may be you can mind..i am just telling))…we stopped and beneath that tree, I guess even you may remember that, we moved beneath it, the space wasn’t too much to stand and I didn’t wanted to stand too close to you, I tried every bit to stay a little away, I was getting wet by the rain on one side as I was little outside the tree in a move to maintain distance…I kept my neck straight trying not to look at you as far as possible, but then you said “this is the for the first time I am with a guy in such a situation” I don’t know why I turned towards you,…your front hairs were wet, some water droplets were flowing from you cheeks, even your eyelashes were wet, you spoke moving the wet hairs aside wiping you face softly with the hands, I couldn’t have liked you more in that moment, I just wanted to wipe the tiny droplet flowing from your forehead towards your eyes, I wanted to touch your cheeks softly and move the strand of hair sticking to them…..truly I just wanted to hold you in that moment………….that moment…even though I have imagined that moment many times……..but it won’t ever return again….may be that is what made it so beautiful…..you know I still pass by that road intentionally to bring back the memory of that evening… even though the tree isn’t there anymore but for me it will stay there forever……after that moment I just fell in love with rain.
Finally the moment had to come to an end and it did came to.. the rain lessened a bit and we decided to move out…we drove together, and came the point where we always moved towards our own way…and there we both slowed down our bikes came near…..and you called my name softly.. I turned towards you…your expressioms were just killing….i deeply felt you wanted to say something…you slowed a little more… I thought you would stop…but I dn’t knw what did you think…..you again said softly “nothing” and we both went away.
You may be thinking why I am telling you all this now. And I don’t know this all matters you or not but it was just I didn’t wanted to die without telling you all this. There is nothing that would come out of it….but its my way to live all that once again….may be you are also living it with me reading all this….
The days passed and one day while we were in the coaching you showed me heart shaped pendent in the magazine…it was of platinum and diamond studded in it… you liked it too much…there I decided to gift you that…the next day I went to Orra…I asked for the for such a pendent to be made…and finally. I gave the order ((don’t ask the price)). I got it on 1st of September I guess..it was a Saturday I remember…our next class was on Tuesday….i waited eagerly for that day to come…I wanted to propose you..instead of all my reasoning to myself and even you I didn’t why I thought of doing it..i knew I couldn’t be with you and neither would I be able to go away from you after I was with you but whatever I was going to propose you….
That day 5th of September was one hell of day for me….the hell began from the beginning itself. I had it all planned I bought a rose and also kept the pendent…I thought of taking you to the same tree and proposing you there and to my luck the weather also seemed that it would rain….I reached the coaching, your activa was already there…I just parked my bike quickly and moved inside to grab a seat beside you…but when I reached there you were not there rather nobody was there..i knew I came a bit early so others won’t be there but your active was already there…so where did you go…I looked in the complex next to our building…asked the peon about you…I just couldn’t understand where did you go…I was getting impatient and more worried …worried like hell…till then that tall guy in our coaching came (( I don’t remember his name)) I asked him has he seen you..he denied, but offered to find you with me took my bike out, he was going to sit behind me, I asked him not to come with me because I am already out of my mind the way I would drive can be kill us any moment..he insisted on coming..may be he didn’t realize what I was talking about that moment.. he sat behind me..i drove like hell…I never drove that madly in my life till today…I was just missed from getting killed both of like many times…finally he had to shout stop the bike I can’t go with you…I dropped him at the coaching and went in search for you again…but I couldn’t find you…
Till then everybody was already there and it was time for the coaching to start.. everybody went inside but I just waited outside… but as some minutes passed I didn’t knew , I went inside. After ten minutes of my going inside you came, I was sitting on the front row so I couldn’t turn back to have a look of you. I was just satisfied with the fact that you were alright and also I didn’t wanted you to see me with the expression I had then on my face..
The class seemed too long that day, the class ended and we were given some papers to be photostated after the class. We all went to the photstat shop across the road. There I was inside the shop getting things photostated. Rahul and you were talking. I guess rahul told you that I was looking for you,. any ways everybody went away and we as ususal went together on tha same way as we moved on the inside road you asked me to stop..we stopped and you asked me what was I looking for you…I tried to speak as casually as I could that yes I did but only a bit.. till then I don’t know why I felt that there was something wrong, my eximent of proposing you had already vanished away.. and the you told me that you were proposed by pankaj and you had already said yes to him..and all this while you were with him only, gone for a long drive him…
I just don’t remember what I felt at that moment, I was totally numb at that time, I don’t know I loved you more or I hated my self for loving you more…and then it started to rain lightly and from that moment I hated rain…I hate it till today….we moved before the rain started too heavily, you bought some medicine from the store and asked me if am alright and I said I would be, and I would forget her with in two months of coaching ends…I was right at that time..
You went back home and went to the bridge over gomti, till that time it had already began to rain heavily, I stopped the bike and stood near the railing looking at the falling dropd in the river…I took out the pendent from my bag and kept on looking at it …I don’t want to mention but yes I cried too and I shouted too….i stood there looking a that pendent in the rain for about two hours and finally threw it in the river…I still I can’t believe I threw it in the river…but I did at that time it wasn’t worth any thing to me except for reminding me of my shattered love…
The days after that I couldn’t concentrate on any thing I could draw, I couldn’t sleep, I didn’t cried even, I just hated myself and more I hated the fact that I have to see you every other day. Some days after you asked me to keep seat next to me in the coaching coz u’ll be coming late.. I just knew at that time if I had to get you off my mind I had to start staying away from you or rather hate you and this is what I started doing and even was successful in that.. yes I hated you, hated you too much and I guess even you realized that, so started staying more with rahul, he became your more good friend of yours…with time even that hatred softened I didn’t totally recovered from your love but now I couldn’t hate you any longer but still maintained a distance from you.
Then it was my birthday, I only wanted you to come, I stood waiting for you but you didn’t came I called your home but nobody picked up the phone, I again thought a thousand time before calling you but any how made the call but when nobody answered I thought may there would be some emergency but the next day you told me there wasn’t any…things again went bad and decided I never call you back again….so you get the reason why I never called you and only smsed you… you may ask why did carry that for the whole five years…and the answer is not because that hatred continued no it didn’t,,,it was just that with time I liked it that way,, eben if didn’t answered I didn’t had to think much…
On my birthday only ankita came and from there we became friends and with time things went in her diretion..after that what happened you know…after I was with her I didn’t thought of you anymore, that time I was totally over with you..i loved her ….things went on fine between us….but didn’t went for longer…after one year you called me and at that time totally normal and accepted you as friend…I had no feeling for you except for friendship…the time when I told you while I was in the train, I had broken up with ankita it was for real…we didn’t talk for six month but when I went to delhi, things came back but couldn’t last long but I couldn’t break up once more, reason being I didn’t wanted to make her cry…with time we started talking very rarely like once in two weeks or like that….
That was the best time I was totally out love…neither I loved her nor did I loved you,,,that was the time whrn rahul came into your life and then one more guy I don’t remember the name…all that didn’t bother me, as a friend I wanted you to just stay happy…we were good friends even if we didn’t meet for an year being in the same town….every thing was fine I wanted to stay like that for ever…..i msged you and you best part was you didn’t answered back, you may be thinking that why was it the best part….it was because it kept the friendship between us alive without giving any space for love………
But things again began to change we met some where around in september again..i had to wait at riverside mall and you couldn’t come there because you couldn’t come out of the photo soot of the college…then we met at ice and spice…you asked why wasn’t I angry…it was only because I expected the least out of you…because you were my only friend…I cared about you..i wanted you to feel free atleast from myside that I am your friend beside you inspite of what ever you said or did…then you started meeting me more often and even calling me more…
Things again started to change from the day I had to go to jaipur in the night I helped you in the assignment till the evening then rushed back to the station….that day you messaged me that evening a message…I don’t know you remember it or not or what did you exactly meant by that…it was written.. ‘ I bother you a lot, I won’t say any thing to you and what ever I said forgive me for that…just come back priyank….just come back., I need you”
I may be a bit wrong in the exact wording but it was nearly the same..i guess I even have that message in my laptop some where…I received that message while I was at home only, I was just leaving for the station, I said “ no not again, not this time” I wasn’t going to do all that again, so I didn’t answered you that night even though I wanted to….i did know was I right time in interpreting the message or not but I did what I felt right… I msged you the next evening in a casual way and you asked to meet you as soon I come back from jaipur and we met at Aryans gomti nagar,..may be you have become better or I understood the message wrong… in a casual way you asked me about us and about possibility of our falling in love…I denied it staright ways and explained you that we are not for each other…I was right..
But after I met you that evening I went to CCD after that thinking ablout what happened reading your that message again….i also of thought of ankita at the same time…I knew I couldn’t do that….i again started to make distance from you..but things weren’t getting better…I knew I didn’t loved ankita any more but I really didn’t wanted to fall for you…I wanted you to be just my friend but that it wasn’t happening any more….i was falling for you so I decided not maintain more distance from you after you birthday,,,after your birthday because I wanted to gift you something for you to remember me…but even that didn’t happen…many times I sat at Nescafe and a sudden feeling struck me to hold you, hold you closely tell you what I felt, how much I loved you but I learned to reason things more practically with time so even with difficuly I was able to control myself….but my pratical reasoning could keep things at bay for longer…
…so if you remember for the first time when I didn’t attend the call for four days in the beginning of January.. but couldn’t refrain longer… you had to fill the MAT form. You couldn’t get it any where, so that was last time I got the form…while we sat filling the form in CCD beside the window, you noticed my expressios going weird and asked me what happened I didn’t answer…the expressions were weird I knew that I had to more talk to you any more, I had to end it there, I wasn’t fair neither for you nor for ankita….so you didn’t heard from me the next 4 months, between that broke up with ankita because there was nothing left anymore..
After four months I thought I would be over you and could be friend again…but I came to fun republic to meet you…you didn’t came for a long time…so I was leaving but I saw you going up the escalator… I stopped and thought should I meet you or not I don’t why for that moment I became totally numb, I didn’t feel anything…that’s why you didn’t saw an expression of remorse on my face…I guess I had become a good actor with time pretending something else with that what I actually felt..so I could easily hide my emotions…after two meetings when I had to leave for bangalore…I decided to test you …so I sent you the photograph of that girl…that girl was real and believe that you don’t know her…she isn’t a friend of mine…just and acquiatance….
I wanted to know your reaction when you know I am going out, and you reacted in the way I thought you would but still I guess you controlled it ..so I madeher birthdate same as yours and then you were totally annoyed….i don’t it was the anged of that you spoke so much the other day about my not giving you any contact, any reach of mine or what….
I knew you were going I really don’t wanted to make another lose too close to me so I again decided to move away…on the day when you went to meet rahul and Danish….when you came out of the house I just close to your house, I could see you,,,after moving a little distance you stopped just in front of me but on the other side of the road, I thought you saw me but you wrapped your duppata around face and went away…that was the last time I saw you………..
SO this was the whole journey of these five years ..i have put it as short as possible…I know you don’t like reading too much but I couldn’t make it shorter…….. in all the time when I loved you I never tried to show you any part of it …I never tried to show even the slightest of care I had for you so that you won’t come to know….i never talked on phone in the tone I wanted to speak,, I wanted to speak with lots of love in the softest voice I could but I never did, talked in the most straight voice I could……
Now comes the question what now……answer is “NOTHING” everything has passed…
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India • 38 years old