I had a dream about you, of course I did every night so why would this one be different? I slept on my front porch that night because I couldn't lay there in the dark while thinking about the things that happened so I took my guitar outside and vented until I passed out. Now I'm sitting here with nothing to do but ponder on what's going to happen next with you, and me. I mean us, if there is still an us. Sometime when I'm waiting for you to text me I wonder if I cross your mind as often as you cross mine, If you're sitting there looking at your phone waiting on me.. Probably not. I can't be the only one, who thinks you're the most beautiful thing on this earth. You're probably talking to someone better right this moment, but maybe its better that way. I don't think I deserve you at all. You're an elegant masterpiece and I'm just an asshole you may not admit to it but we both know its true. I can feel the jealousy and doubt killing me on the inside or maybe that's just heartbreak. Probably both. I just wish it didn't have to be this way. I wish I could be better for you. I can't take this anymore I need to go inside. I went to the bathroom and locked the door behide me as I always do. I looked at myself in the mirror and was disgusted. I was a mess I needed to take a shower and just relax. She'll text me while I'm in there right? Telling me to just forget about last night and that everything is ok. Well she won't but I'd like to think so.
I just got out of the shower. I remembered the night she got wasted and went skinny dipping with her friends and some guys. I despise it. I think it's why I don't trust her or maybe it was the fact that she left my own fucking house the next day with them same guys. She told me she was sorry but I don't think she was and I'm not to sure if I have the right to think like that or if I'm overreacting. It was a while ago but it crosses my mind all the time. It makes my feel sick to my stomach that she was naked in the water with those fuckboys. She even gave one a handjob from what I heard, I think that kills me the most. I can see it playing out in my head as much as I don't want to. Its burned into my brain, tempting me to just take a few shots to make myself feel better. I just might now that I have nothing. I know exactly where it will lead to. I don't want to go back to that. I know I can't do it sober it burns too much for me when I snort it, but maybe if I numbed myself with alcohol everything will go down (or up) smoothly. I wish I could say I'm a strong enough person to say no again but I don't think I am. I need it or I need her and I don't think I'm getting her. Well I know a guy who sells coke let me find his number. I'm sure I'll feel better now.
I spent all my money on this shit. I want to try to snort it all, I'll fucking die but I already feel dead as it is. Wow what a depressing thought. I didn't even bother to make lines, I dumped it all into a pile and just stared and it. Was I really going to do this? I saved what I had typed and got on your Instagram. I scrolled through all the pictures admiring you one last time. "God damn it man" I said under my breath as a tear ran down my face. I wish you could know how beautiful you are to me. I could give you the world and still feel like you deserve more, because you do. I got off Instagram and typed this up to this point. I'm just stalling. Fuck it here we go. I got my straw and snorted the white powdered love until I couldn't take it. I was somewhat drunk but it still burnt like hell. I swear it burns as bad as love does. I look at the pile and barely got through half of it. I scooped the rest back into the bag because I couldn't go for a second round. I've never done that much coke before and I'm not sure if I'll even die. I feel very sick already. Maybe it was just me thinking about Emma still I'm not sure. I bet she's having a great time right now at warped tour, I bet she hasn't even thought about me since last night. Fuck I can feel it, its hitting me... Hard. Its such a rush I don't like it though its too strong. I'm getting really dizzy. It feels so much better than heartbreak but I think I made a mistake. I don't want to die. Emma just in case I don't get to tell you and you somehow get to read this, I love you I know I do I can't even lie about it I thought about telling you many times but I didn't want to put you off. We haven't been talking that long but I know I love you it feels so much different than how I felt about those other girls. It can't even compare to how I felt about them. I'm glad you showed me what love is. I thought I would die lonely but the thought of you in my mind is enough for me. I was happy and despite what has happened since I met you, I still am.