You need to work on your grammar. However, the story has potential.

Hi friend. Correct me if I am wrong, but your story reads like you make up a beginning and the continue. Instead, maybe you should try this. Make up how you want the story to end and then think of the steps you want to have happen, thinking backwards. I think that would improve your stories. I liked to idea anyway. Hey, if I am wrong about your method... I only just told you how I wrote the 2 stories I published on the site here. Going backwards. Good luck! Might read some more when I have time. Later!