Alone

There’s a difference from being alone and feeling alone. Being alone is having no one else around you, feeling alone is having many around you but knowing if you left no one would notice. It’s wanting to say or show how broken you are inside but don’t because no one takes the time to stop and listen and you don’t want to bother them because it’s not their fault you are feeling that way, it’s not their fault the thoughts inside your head are louder than the loudest music.

Music has become my escape; you’ll never see me without a headphone in my head because I find comfort in knowing the music can quiet the voices; but only so much and so long. There always comes a time when the music just fades and the voices are waiting… waiting to start saying no one can hear you and no one can see you. The sad reality is they are true. You hold back from saying I want to die because you feel like the reasons you feel aren’t valid because “your life isn’t that bad it’s just hard for you”.

So, you stop. Stop talking. Stop feeling. Stop trying. Losing the hope that someone will see that you’ve become quiet or notice the pain in your eyes. Knowing if you just stop everything no one will notice, and if they do, they’ll just not care. So, you stop showing up, you keep to yourself, you keep your head down and your music loud because you know no one would stop you. You start hoping no one will ask because you don’t know what’s there you just know it’s there so you can’t even explain.

How are you supposed to explain when you don’t understand why? How can you get help when you don’t know what’s wrong? The voices in my head have started becoming my friend, the lines on me can prove it, and whenever someone tries to get past the wall that is built around myself, they have been rebuilt so many times that they are unbreakable and no one can get in so they give up and they walk out.

You want to explain the walls are so strong because anyone you’ve let in has just left you standing your own ruins. So the last time was the last time and you’ve just stop trying to let people in, you give up because you know what it feels like to be thrown out like you were nothing and you start creeping into the shadows blending into the crowd; doing everything possible to disappear because no one cared before why would they now?

So being alone and feeling alone are different and right now I feel so alone that this is the way it’ll stay and that’s the end of what I have to say. Time to disappear again. Maybe this is the end. Maybe for good this time. Now I say goodbye…

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