Madazine : Altercation

Dear Penfellow,

I have just read your supposedly funny piece about an electronic newt. Whatever gave you the idea that you are (a) a humorist or (b) a writer of any kind? This collection of words, I can hardly share your opinion by calling it a story, is absolute drivel. Take it from me, a highly successful published writer, that you have no chance at all of getting anywhere with trash like this. Your best course of action would have been to submit it to a shredder.

The only words of comfort I can give you are that you’re not alone as a hopeless contributor to this forum, which I joined last week. I intend to offer some incisive comments to other incompetent aspiring authors, giving them the same advice as I offer to you, which is to abandon writing and turn your hand to something for which you have talent, if there is any such field. Doing that will save you a lot of wasted effort, and spare other people the time involved in trawling through your feeble efforts, searching in vain for something enjoyable. I did consider sending this as a private message, but on reflection I think it should be available to all members and guests.

Writinman

Dear Writinman,

I suppose common courtesy requires me to answer your diatribe, though I would be justified in ignoring it. Like you I’m a newcomer to scribblers.com and I never expected that my little tale about the newt would evoke such an onslaught. Responding at length to what you regard as a critique is not worth the exertion it would entail, but I will stoop to your level for a few minutes, if only to demonstrate that you are not this site’s only exponent of mud-wrestling.

First, my intention was merely to offer a little light entertainment. I did not ask for observations, though I understand that as this is a forum we are exposed to remarks, including derogatory ones. Second, I note that in addition to harpooning my work, you have already carried out your threat to attack other members in much the same way. It would seem that nobody is good enough to satisfy you, despite the fact that several of those you have assaulted are established authors who are simply enjoying themselves here and giving pleasure to others. In fulfilling the requirement to make a minimum number of postings before presenting your own doubtless immortal efforts, you have adhered resolutely to negative remarks and did not offer a single word of praise to anyone.

I have done a little research into your record. When joining scribblers.com you did indeed describe yourself as a successful author, albeit in your words, of self-published material. Oh dear, this is not quite the case, is it? The information I have unearthed is that your output amounts to one story in the historical fiction genre, produced by a notorious vanity publisher, rightly disdained by good writers.

It is clear that you do not grasp the difference between self-publishing and narcissism. This can be gathered from your opus, a copy of which I have obtained with some difficulty, as it cannot be got from any respectable outlet. Even the least proficient self-publishing house will normally proof-read books before unleashing them. Apparently nobody checked your twaddle before it was issued. It runs to only fifty-eight pages and contains sixty-two spelling mistakes and forty-seven grammatical blunders, many of them astounding howlers. What really puzzles me is that your above mentioned animadversions, even though profoundly distasteful, are passably lucid and that makes me wonder who might have written them for you.

After reading your ‘novel’, I suggest you take a course in English language and follow that with another one in creative writing, not that either will do you much good, as a pig’s ear cannot be turned into a silk purse. However, occupying yourself in the way I recommend might keep you from pestering those who do know how to put words together.

Penfellow

Dear Penfellow,

Your response to my entirely justified observations is scandalous, and possibly even actionable in law. I was merely trying to be constructive. However, I see now that you are a case of one can lead a horse to water but cannot make it drink. I will leave you to stew in your own juice, whilst taking legal advice as to what can be done about your disgusting outburst.

Writinman

Dear Writinman,

The guidance you need is not legal but literary. In view of your offensive attitude, I have invited the forum moderator to step in.

Penfellow

Moderator: Hey, don’t ask me to intervene. I’m enjoying this punch-up far too much to stop it. Get stuck in and when you’ve finished, I’ll clear up the blood and feathers.

Dear Moderator,

That’s a disgraceful retort from an alleged senior forum official. I shall, with immediate effect, close my scribblers.com account and open one with a decent forum, namely scrawlers.org.

Writinman

Dear Moderator,

Me too.

Penfellow

Moderator: Good riddance to both of you. That saves me banning you.

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