Am I alone?

I'm a fourteen year old girl, and everyone i know thinks I'm perfectly fine and so happy that it makes me quite irritating. And yet Tears fall down my face with What seems like no real reason. People hate me, but other people don't. I have people who care about me. An yet I feel alone. I cry myself to sleep almost every night, an even if I can hold in my warm, salty tears, my heartstill feels as if someone has ripped it out of my chest and left a fire in it's place. And I feel as if there must be something or someone that's making me feel this way, and it kills me not to know. I HATE not being able to fight against whatever it is that hurts me. At school, I plaster on a smile and a laugh, poke and annoy people so theythink of me as an immature little girl and never even suspect the things I do to myself. I used to cut my arms, but I started volleyball up again because sports help me concentrate and forget about the pain and the lonliness even if only for a short time. Now I cut my shoulders after the scars from the previous time fade so that I don't get permanent scars, but it's getting harder to hold off. I think of suicide all the time, making up scenarios, planning a funeral that no one would go to, and hoping that maybe something will happen and I'll die because I'm too cowardly to end my life myself. I'm too scared to say anything or let anyone know because my mom already thinks I'm insane and if she knew the truth i'd have a therapist or even be in a mental hospital, and for some reason even the thought of something as simple as a therapist terrifies me. Because as much as I hate not knowing why I'm so depressed, I'm also terrified of finding out. I lied and told people that I liked someone just so they'd stop asking and leave me alone, but the truth is the only way I would be able to fall in love would be if I trusted them enough to tell them all of this and cry into their chest, i'd have to believe that they wouldn't tell anyone ESPECIALLY not an adult who would tell my parents. I'd have to trust them, and I don't know how to trust people anymore after all the people who've stabbed me in the back. I don't know what to do anymore and I feel like a freak, I feel like maybe I am an idiot and I am crazy like my mom says, maybe I should just get help but I'm so scared and confused. I really need to know that I'm not the only one out there who feels like this. Please, please help me. Even now as I'm writing this tears are cascading down my cheeks and my breaths are shortening and the place where my heart should be is burning. Please, please, please help
me.

Recommend Write a ReviewReport