Smile for the cameras,
they say, not knowing the
extreme amount of willpower
I have to muster up just to
Gunshots trigger me, unsurprisingly.
I do not believe that I can bring
something back that I lost.
I cannot go rip their bodies out of the ground
or put them back together with their ashes.
Looking into my eyes and telling
me everything will be okay does nothing,
since I know everything won’t be okay.
Admitting I am toxic does nothing,
since I know I am basically made of
cyanide and hydrochloric acid, of
dangerous emotions and personalities.
My blood is running cold, skin pale,
looking into you with my empty eyes,
telling you I am doing what I was made
to do by my own peers.
Wars in the streets, motivated purely by
money and politics, do nothing to me
when they pop up on my newsfeed.
Shootings make me hate humanity
more and more, since I feel the people
who lost their family members, knowing
they feel like the body count is their fault,
that it’s their fault that their friends and family
I have no more thoughts in my head,
no more prayers, no more things to say.
The silence of the people responsible for
acts of aggression is heard in volumes.
People who get fucked up just to hurt others
are monsters, the people who get fucked up
for the pure escape from life are monsters,
I am a monster, you are a monster, we are
If I died today, or any other day, would
it make a difference?
I stay alive because I want to find a cure
for my depression, my insanity, I stay alive
so I can erase the demons in my head, the
demons I call the “family in my brain”.
I stay alive so I can end the alcoholism that
racks my body almost every night.
Suicide is not the answer to my problems.
I am weak, but not weak enough to cause more
pain for others.
A rebirth is what I need, a change from the
constant screaming in my head.
But that isn’t coming anytime soon.
An outlook is all I can do,
so I admit I have a problem,
that society has a problem.
I look at the mountains of Colorado
and wish I was living there, away
from a city, in silence.
So I can look at society and pop
the cork on a bottle of booze,
reflecting, thinking, acting
on my words finally.
Author Notes: sorry for the lack of uploads, i'm trying my hardest here