And then he was gone

They said it would stop. I was promised one day I would breath again. I am still waiting.. Its been nearly 20 years. I have never told anyone of this story, but I have come to a place in my life where I again am finding myself to love.. I am afraid.
He was my best friend. He didn't care what others thought. He loved me for who I was. (or he did a really good job at making me believe that). Having relationships at that age was not allowed. It didn't stop us from falling in love. We could only see each other on the school bus before and after school. And during school hours (lunch time).
I never really belonged to any certain type of group in school. I was a loner always trying to fit in where ever possible.Some days it was with the upper classmates , and some days the lower. It really depended on the day. He didn't care. We would hold hands between classes and spend our lunches sitting outside on a step, just holding each other. Sharing feelings and thoughts. He loved me , and I loved him. I used to keep a shoe box with all the letters he would write me. We did this for a couple of years. Summers were hard because we couldn't see each other. I wasn't allowed to have friends or any type of social life.
The new school year began, and we were happy again. We were spending the little time we had, together. I was so in love that I didn't notice the little things going on. I didn't notice that when we kissed , it was always out of sight. That the lunches we spent together were outside , on a step , BEHIND the school, where no one could see us. Doesn't mean anything.. Right ? I mean between classes we held each others hands. People HAD to see that.
There was a winter night , my parents and I were fighting. (This was very common). But this night I could not take the abuse anymore. My family had a concert to attend for my niece and left that evening. I grabbed my coat. And I went out the door.
I ran away from home that night. He lived about six miles from me. I crossed fields of snow , and woods filled with the chilling sounds of the Winter nights. I got to his house and he answered the door, and let me in. His room was just around the corner. We went inside. He said we will have to be very quiet cause he parents would not allow me to be there, and would send me back home, if they knew.
We did not sleep at all that night. We laid on his bed and we talked, and we held each other. We kissed , and his hands slowly went up my shirt. Things started moving very quickly, and the next thing I knew his mouth was upon my breasts. I didn't have a clue what to do with him, so I just laid there and let it happen.
It was my first time that night. I will never forget it. I will never forget the feeling I had. I was supposed to feel as if I had just made love for the first time to my lover. But I didn't. I don't know what I had felt, but it wasn't love. Soon the morning hours came. It was time for me to leave. It was time to sneak out just as I had snuck in , before his parent woke. I started my journey back home. It was so cold. I was so COLD. I got home and the doors were locked, so I laid under a pine tree in the back yard. I was frozen. I couldn't feel my hands anymore. I know I fell asleep , but it was very brief. My oldest sister lived in the house next door, and my mother would go over their every morning , As she did this morning. I snuck back into my house. My older sister was up and quickly called my mother back to our house. I didn't know how much trouble I was going to be in. My mother came through the door and asked me where I had been. I told her I was out walking , and thinking , and before I knew it the doors were locked, I knew I was in trouble, and that I had decided to sleep in the car.
She believed me.
She told me that the frostbite on my hands was only the beginning of what was to come. ( That's another story) She made me dress for school, and catch the bus. I did. I got to school and he wasn't there. I didn't know why. I just assumed that because he was up all night, he needed to stay home and sleep.

Now before I go on with my story, I want to tell you that I was a bit of an "attention whore". At times I did things just to get attention. I didn't care if it were positive or negative, as long as I got it.

Now I will continue...

I was in school without him that day. It was a first for me. What was I going to do? That's when I made the mistake of a lifetime. My life was forever changed. I started telling people about what had happened between us, the night before. This was sure to get A LOT of attention. Before I knew it people were talking.

Everyone was talking.
HATERS.
I was told I shouldn't be making stuff up like that, especially because he was not there to defend himself. That day ended and it was time to go home. (back to my other life without him). I got home and I was confused. Why would people react that way? Surely they knew about us. Why was it such a terrible thing?
The next day came, and the bus ride was as usual. Him and I sat together. I didn't speak a word of what happened the day earlier. We pulled up in front of the school, and kissed each other. (That was the last kiss) and told each other we would be back together at lunch time.
That never happened.
Word got to him fast, and he was angry ! He came up to me in the hall, in front of everyone, And told me to stop lying and spreading rumors. I ran away and I cried. I cried my heart out. I thought we loved each other...right ?
Many days had passed and I tried so hard. I said I was sorry, and I begged for us to go back to the way we once were.I pleaded. He wouldn't even talk to me. After a few weeks he wrote me a letter. He said I was disgusting.He said it was all a game between his friends and himself. He told me I wasn't his first, to get over him, and to crawl back into the hole I came out of.
The only thing I could think of was this was PROOF. This was proof of what we had done. Part of me wanted to photocopy that letter, and pass it around. I still loved him. So much. I didn't want to do anything that would make it worse.
Many months passed , and things were getting a little better. I wasn't giving up on him. I wrote letters to him almost everyday. I told him everyday that I still loved him. He slowly came back around. He told me we will never be where we once were, but we could be friends.
I jumped at that !
It was a start. We had become friends again. We were very much "secret friends" tho. It was hard , but as time passed, it became easier. Tho I still loved him, I wasn't "in love" with him anymore. I had a new interest.
HIS BEST FRIEND !
OK , Now I know what you are thinking. Don't judge me. Things like this happen.
This "love" was different tho. It just wasn't the same. I knew I was being used. I didn't care. (after all its attention right?) I gave myself to him. I gave him my body, not my mind, Just my body.
I lived in a very small town and word around there spread fast. I will never forget the day I am about to tell you. It could be the worst day of my life. I have NEVER talked about this or shared with anyone until now. My guidance councilor called me in to his office that morning, just as I arrived at school. He sat me down and told me that over the years he gets to know his students. He knew about my first love. I knew from he look on his face he had troubling words for me. Then my mother walked in. Why was SHE there ? Then the news came.
My love, My very first love, My very first best friend , had taken his own life.....

Everything around me disappeared, I was alone in complete darkness.
I couldn't speak.
I could breathe.
I couldn't cry.
I just....couldn't.
What was only moments, seemed like years. He told my mother to take me home because this was no place for me right then. Honestly I don't even know how I got into the car, and before I knew it I was home. I will never forget my mothers words....
" You don't know what love is So stop crying and get on with your chores"
To this day I don't know that I have ever stopped crying....

Perhaps the rest of the story another time...

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