No more unanswered questions. As I pulled back into the drive way, I stormed up the porch steps and opened the door. My mom was in the kitchen with her head down on the table.
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?" I Shout. "I had a gun in my hand mommy. A GUN! I want to kill myself." As I say these words, I realize that I had never used the word mommy unless I was really scared and the last time I used it was at my father's funeral. I started sobbing uncontrollably. I was a wreck, a complete and utter wreck. Reader, I was so messed up. My mother looked at me, she opened her mouth to say something but stopped.
"Please! Say something, anything! If you care about me at all, please try to stop me." I'm begging. I'm begging my own mother to stop me from hurting myself. What the fuck. I must be dreaming, I thought. What child has to beg their mother to stop them from committing suicide? Me. Alyson Levesque. Alyson fucking Levesque. I leave again, again with another unanswered question, did she love me at all? I sit in the car for a while and don't move. I want to calm down, I want to control my breathing. It was then and there that I realized that I needed to try hard for someone and that someone was Eva. She needed me and I let her down. As I pull my shit together, I drive around and look for her. I call her phone and when it doesn't go to voicemail, I feel a sigh of relief. "Eva!?"
"No. This is Eva's mother. Who is this?"
"Alyson, is she okay?"
"Alyson, I don't know how to tell you this, but Eva, Ev-" she starts to cry. No. I think to myself. No.
"Is she okay Mrs. Fernandez?" I feel like I'm begging for her to give me the answer I want.
"She's in the hospital, she tried to kill herself today." She says through tears. I breathe. She was alive, that was all that mattered.
"What hospital? I'll be there right away." I reply. She tells me and before I go I give myself a pep talk. Get your shit together Alyson, pretend to be happy and give your friend some hope in this God forsaken world. I start the car and drive. When I get there, I immediately ask for her room number and see her mother in the hallway. I run up to her and give her a hug. Her mother is shaking and I just try to comfort her as much as I can.
"I'm so sorry." I whisper in her ear. She thinks I'm apologizing for this unfortunate circumstance, but I'm really apologizing for not being there for Eva when she needed me, for hanging up on her, for abandoning her like my mother abandoned me. I started to cry, I was a terrible friend. After a while, Mrs. Fernandez went to go get a coffee and let me be alone with Eva. I hesitate before I walk into her room. I hope she didn't hate me. I took a deep breath and walked in.
"Alyson!?" She says and her eyes open wide.
"Yeah it's me, I'm so sorry." I say and cry as I hold her. She hugs me back even tighter and rubs my back as to comfort me when I should be comforting her. It was beautiful and ironic at the same time.
"I love you." I say.
"I love you too." She says and starts to cry. After a long while, she tells me she's going to go back home now and start getting her grades back up. She told me she was tired of feeling like nothing and wanted to change that. I was proud of her, however at the same time, I was jealous. Eva had that option. She could go back to what was normal. I didn't have that choice. Nothing in my life was normal. I try to smile for her, but as it gets harder and harder for me to put up this facade, I tell her I have to head back home but that I'll visit her every day until she can go home.
"Okay, see you tomorrow." She says and hugs me goodbye. I kiss her cheek and walk out of her room, unsure if she'll ever see me again. I drive back to Hailey and John's place and just sit on the porch. An hour later, I crawl through the doggy door and head up to my room and crawl into bed. I put the covers over me, close my eyes and fall asleep. When I wake up, I make myself some breakfast and sit down and watch TV with John and Hailey as if everything was so normal. And you know, for a brief moment, it did feel normal. I felt like I belonged here. Right in the middle of their comfy beige couch. But they weren't my family and I knew I couldn't stay here forever. As I watched their show with them, I laughed when they laughed, and acted as if I was paying attention to what was going on. In reality, I was just staring. Not thinking at all. John was looking at me. Could he tell?
I started going back to school again, but James stopped talking to me. As I predicted, he couldn't handle me and moved on. He had asked no other than Natasha Gillans to be his girlfriend and to no one's surprise she said yes. I was never late and Ms. Flan left me alone. I got straight A's but I didn't care. I went to school for Eva, but she was slipping away from me too. She was happy now, and I was holding her back. Soon enough she was in the popular crowd, and I was sitting in the bathroom stalls eating my lunch. Hailey and I were getting closer though. We'd walk the dogs together every day when I came home from school, go shopping or see a movie. It was fun sometimes. It made me forget things. Today though, after school I had to work.
When I got to work, Rich told us that tonight was a special night. He said the whole room was booked for a bunch of guys. Great, I thought. More douche bags in daddy jeans and beer breath. Around nine o' clock it was my turn to get up on stage. When the spotlight was on, I started my routine. They then turned on all the lights and I could see the place was full. Everyone was whistling at me throwing money, and then I saw him. James. Right in the front row, he saw me too and for a moment we just stared at one another. I felt so embarrassed. He then shouted, "Come on, shake your ass you slut." Ouch. That hurt. I ran off the stage and went into the changing room.
"Are you alright?" Asks Sierra.
"No." I say and walk out the door.
When I get to Hailey and John's house, I can see the light on in their family room. Guess someone was still up. When I walk in, Hailey is sitting on the couch, scanning through the channels trying to find something to watch.
"Hey." She says with a smile on her face.
"Wanna watch a movie with me?"
I smile. "Okay."
We pick a romantic comedy and laugh at all the cheesy parts. We talk during the movie too, but then at one point it gets silent. There's a sex scene and Hailey puts her hand on my knee. I look at her and she looks at me and she leans in to kiss me and I kiss her back. Soon we're making out and at first I like it, but then I'm confused and pull away. I had never kissed a girl before.
"I'm sorry." I say. "I can't." I run up the stairs and slam my bedroom door shut. I turn on my radio to block out any thoughts running around in my mind and Youth by Daughter is on. I close my eyes and listen to every word. As the song ends, I don't know how to feel. Did I like her? Did I want to be with her? She loved me I think. I got up from the bed and opened the door to go talk to her, but as I did, she was standing right in front of me. I kissed her again and she came into my room closing the door behind her.
We had sex. Hailey and I had sex. As I lay there naked in bed, I realized that she was no longer in the bed with me. Thank God I thought. I needed to think, I needed to be alone. What did I do? I don't even like girls, like that anyway, but I don't know, it felt okay at the moment. But it was wrong. I started to cry. I didn't know what I was doing. I couldn't have a relationship with Hailey and whatever that was yesterday was never going to happen again. I decided to leave, I couldn't stay in her home anymore. I got all my things, and left without saying a word.
I got in my car and I drove off. I decided I'd work more and live in my car for a while until I made enough money to live on my own.
I dropped out of school and started working full time, five days a week. After a few months, I rented a shitty apartment. I started drinking. I hated myself. I was becoming someone much darker. I was staring far away from who I used to be. Hailey and John got a divorce, as far as he knew, she had had an affair with someone from work. I commended her for being partially honest. I could never fess up to something like that. I still kept in touch from time to time and I apologized to her. She wouldn't accept it though, she told me it was her that needed to apologize, not me. John talked to me too from time to time, in some way they did become my family.
It was Saturday now, I didn't want to be in the apartment. I got into my car and drove until I found the place I was looking for. When I got out of the car, I walked up the path and kicked a couple of rocks with my shoe. My phone started to ring and it was John. He wanted to talk to me. I told him where I was and he met up with me. As I waited I found the river, and stared down at it from above the hill I was on. I pull out a cigarette and light it. I can hear footsteps coming from a distance. I turn around, it's John. We talk for a while. Mostly about the divorce and how he thinks Hailey is just having a mid life crisis. I smile to myself. I'm pretty sure Hailey had had more than one sexual interaction with a female. I tell him that sometimes things change.
"People don't change Aly." says John.
I smirk, then chuck the cigarette on the ground, stomping on it with the tip of my shoe then say, "Now that's where you're wrong John. People do change. It's just life and the things that happen to us in it, that shape us into the people we never thought we'd become." I look up at him, waiting for some sort of response, but he says nothing for a while. Eventually he comes over to my side, kisses the top of my head and says, "you know where to find me if you need me." He then walks away and I could hear the sound that his shoes made as they skidded across the wet rocks. But soon enough I was left alone with nothing but the sound of the tress blowing in the wind and the spattering of the water below. I went back into my car and took the gun out. I walked slowly back up the hill and stood at the edge above the river. I closed my eyes and listened to the water trickling down the rocks, the birds singing above me and as I placed the gun to my head, I listened for the sound of the trigger.