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Ashes to Ashes
Ashes to Ashes

Ashes to Ashes

SJAnonSelena Joan
1 Review

As my lips touch the top of the cigarette, I inhale deeply, staring down at the river flowing above the rocks, watching the waves crash into the granite walls, and that was when I blew out all the smoke. The wind was blowing hard, my hair tossing and turning with its strong gust, but the breeze sent shivers down my spine and for a moment I was at ease. The black, torn and worn out leather jacket I had on wasn't warm enough, but I didn't really mind it all that much.

"People don't change Aly." says John.

I smirk, then chuck the cigarette on the ground, stomping on it with the tip of my shoe then say, "now that's where you're wrong John. People do change. It's just life and the things that happen to us in it, that shape us into the people we never thought we'd become." I look up at him, waiting for some sort of response, but he says nothing for a while. Eventually he comes over to my side, kisses the top of my head and says "you know where to find me if you need me." He then walks away and I could hear the sound that his shoes made as they skidded across the wet rocks. But soon enough, I was left alone with nothing but the sound of the trees blowing in the wind and the spattering of the water below.

Chapter 1

I pour some whiskey in a glass and toss it back down my throat. It felt good as it travelled through my body. I shiver for a moment. It was cold, and I had just gotten back home from work. I pour myself another shot and throw it back once more, making it all disappear in one gulp. I guess you could say it had been a long day. After a while, I head up to my room and go straight to the bathroom to take a hot shower. As the water trickles down my body, I close my eyes and let it soak through my hair, trying to imagine being anywhere but here.

The next morning I awake to the sound of my mother sleeping with yet another stranger. I roll over on my side and cover my ears with my pillow. After about ten minutes, I figured it was safe to come out and soon enough I decide to get out of bed and get ready for school. Once I finish, I leave the house without anything to eat but an apple for breakfast. When I arrive at school, I go straight to the smokers section and pull out a cigarette.

"Hey Aly, over here." Calls out one of my friends, Eva. I walk over.

"Hey." I say, and put the cigarette in my mouth.

"I want you to meet someone, this is Carter." She says and points to the guy beside her. I just stare at him, then back at her. I didn't like him already. He had deep blue eyes, and dark brown hair. He was tall and slightly muscular. Clean and shaven too, but there was something about him that just screamed danger.

"Well aren't you going to say hi." She replies irritated.

"Sorry, Hi." I say nonchalantly.

"Hey." He says with a huge smirk on his face, then sticks out his hand for me to shake it. I didn't. I kind of just stood there.

"He's my boyfriend Aly, shake it!" She says angrily. I stared at her coldly, she knew I didn't like it when people touched me. I put out my hand anyway and shook it quickly, but when I tried to pull my hand away, he held on to it a bit tighter and stared into my eyes, "nice to meet you Aly." He then let go and I looked away from his sharp gaze.

"Look I got to go." I say, then head inside the school. As I walk away, I felt as though he were watching me, so I turn around and sure enough he was staring at me, watching as I walked off. A chill went down my spine, let's just say he gave me the creeps.

When I got to class, the door was closed and when I peeked in through the window, I could see that everyone had already been seated and the teacher, Ms. Flan, was already in the middle of her lesson. 'Fuck,' I think, right before I turn the door handle and walk right in.

"Aly, why are you late again?" She asks as I sit down.

"Sorry, I had car problems."

She rolls her eyes in disbelief and annoyance, then continues on. A few minutes later there was a knock at the door. It was Principal Stern and some guy, our age, right beside him. He was blonde, hazel eyed and at least six feet and muscular, but not my usual type. He was certainly every other girls type though, anyone could see that with the drool coming out of each ones mouth as he stood there. I rolled my eyes, 'girls' I thought.

"Good morning class."

"Morning." We all reply drowsily.

"This is James Don. He has just transferred here from Utah, so please make him feel welcome and when you can, show him around our school." Just then, Ms. Flan, whispers something to the principal and with that he says, "Goodbye class, have a good day", then leaves.

"Hi James," says Ms. Flan while she puts out her hand, "I'm Ms. Flan, you can take a seat wherever you'd like." She then continues on with her lesson as James walks down the rows, looking for somewhere to sit. Just then my phone vibrates and as I check to see who it is, James sits right down beside me. Okay, now I was confused. Why would a guy like him, sit next to a girl like me?

Class ends, and everyone starts rushing out of their seats to get to their next class, but I, on the other hand, take my time and so does James.

"Not in a hurry huh?" He asks and smiles.

I smile slightly, "Ha, no. Shouldn't you be though?"

"Why's that?" He asks while raising his eyebrow?

"Well, you're new. Don't you need to find your classes?"

"Oh haha, yeah true, but hey, like you said, I'm new. If I'm late, they'll understand." He replies then winks. I blush. "Well it was nice to meet you, urm -"

"Aly." I say.

"Aly," he says and smiles. "I'm going to head off to my next class, see you around?" he says it as if it were a question.

"Yeah, see you around." I reply. Hm, I liked him. He wasn't the cocky prick I made him out to be. Maybe we could be friends. I smile to myself at the idea and then head towards my second class.

"Ding, ding, ding," went the second bell. After second period, I decide to head home instead of going to my next two classes. When I get to my locker, I notice that James' locker is only two lockers away from mine.

"Hey." He says, as he closes his locker door.

"Hey." I reply, then turn my lock.

"Doing anything for lunch?" He asks.

"Um I was -"

"Hey James." interrupts Natasha Gillans all cheerfully, as she puts her hand on his arm, then lets go.

"Hey." He says then winks as she walks off.

"Well aren't you popular?" I ask dully.

"Ha, no. We just met."

"Hun, the arm touch from Natasha Gillans means you've been added to her circle. Have fun with that."

He smirks, knowing I'm slightly jealous, and says "I like to choose my own friends. Now what were you saying about lunch?"

"Oh, I'm going home."

"Oh," he says sounding disappointed, "Why?"

"There's just no point of staying. I'm watching movies in my next two classes."

"Ah, well makes sense. Maybe we can hang out next time." He says and smiles.

"Yeah, for sure!" I reply.

"Well have fun at home."

I smile, "I will." He then walks off and I head out and get in my car, then leave. I didn't end up driving home right away, instead I left to go visit my dad. As I parked my car, I got out and walked slowly up the path. The place was surrounded with flowers, and bright green grass. It was way too colourful in my opinion. I took my time, kicking the rocks as I got closer, and then finally I sat down beside his gravestone.

"Hey Dad." I say while I lean my back against it. I take out another cigarette and light it. As I put it in my mouth, I shut my eyes and blow out the smoke, as tears pour down my face. "I miss you."

I sat there for an hour and I eventually pull myself together and head home. Once I got in, I quickly washed my face, reapplied all of my make-up and changed into my outfit for work. I looked at myself in the mirror for what seemed like forever and then I left. What was the point? The old me was gone.

Work...

Sierra, the beautiful red headed, rosy cheeked girl at my work was crying when I got there. Once I put my shit down at my station, I hand her a Kleenex, then sit down in my chair and change my shoes. As I laced up my boots, I could hear Sierra get up and walk towards my direction.

"Thanks." She says and hands me the tissue box. "Ready for tonight?" She asks as she fixes herself up.

"I guess." I reply dully.

"You better be." says Richard, the manager, out of nowhere. He then comes up to my chair and starts to put his hands on my shoulder. I jerk away, but he pulls me back and starts to rub them, "relax darling, it's just a massage to calm your nerves." I look at him through the mirror angrily, and he laughs. "You're so tense."

"Leave her alone Rich." Says Sierra. He then lets go.

"Whatever bitch. You're on in ten." He says then leaves.

"You alright?" She asks as she puts her hand on my shoulder. I jerk away, but look at her apologetically.

"Sure." I reply then get up and leave to start my shift. As I walk up the stairs, I position myself on the floor and wait for the curtains to open and the spot light to turn on.

"Please put your hands together for the sexy and seductress Alyson."

And then my work began.

Once I finish for the night, I head back to the change room and put my regular clothes back on. As I was about to head out, I hear a loud noise coming from the room beside me, so I check to see what it is before I leave. And to my surprise, it was Richard, fucking Sierra. I looked at her face, which wasn't hard to read. She didn't want him on top of her. As I was about to charge in, she looks up at me and mouths the words. 'NO, go home.' I stare at her in confusion for a moment, then slowly back away and leave her there. Why didn't she want me to help her? I thought to myself. As I drove home, my head was all clouded with worry and distress. I could have helped her. Why would she let him do that to her? That night, I couldn't even make myself get out of the car, so I just moved myself to the back seat and lay down, curling myself into a ball and wrapped my sweater around me. I tried hard to fall asleep, but all I did was cry.

'Bang, bang, bang.' "Move your fucking car!" These were the words I awoke to. It was my mother shouting at me. She wanted me to move my car, so that her "boyfriend" could leave for work. I did as she pleased, then got out of the car and headed inside, ignoring her as I brushed passed her and took a hot bath. What a whore, I thought. What a filthy fucking whore. I blame her for the fucked up life I have now. She was a stupid drunk, battling a drug addiction. After my dad died, I was stuck with her. Her and her stupid mess. They divorced when I was thirteen, but two years ago my dad died and apparently the court viewed her as a fit mother. But to be honest, she played her part well, she even fooled me. She came to court all dressed to impress, with her white blouse and pencil navy blue skirt and her hair tied up in a fancy sock bun. She hadn't smoked or consumed any alcohol, but that was just so she could pass the drug tests. So once she was granted custody, the very next day she opened a brand new bottle of vodka and chugged it down, leaving me alone in the house for four days. I forgot what love was when I was around her. I've seen her get bitched at, slapped, abused physically and emotionally and she just takes it. The only thing I've ever learned from her was that I meant nothing to her and that love didn't exist. It was just a bullshit four letter word.

Once I force myself to get out of the bath tub, I dry myself in a towel and lay down in my bed. The window was open, and as I lay there naked, I let the cool breeze from outside, travel across my body. It was soothing to know that I could do this. That I could just lay there in my room, with the door locked and feel nothing but the gentle touch of nature. I could be numb for a little while and to me that was the best feeling in the world. I crave for this moment on a daily basis, yet it's a rare thing that happens. But when opportunity rises and I can be free to feel, I take it as quick as it is to lose this numb feeling. I was your typical teenage girl two years ago. I hung out with the 'in' crowd and had lots of friends. I was funny and witty believe it or not. I guess you could say I had it all. But things changed after my dad died. My life changed, I changed and it literally felt as if my soul had been sucked right out of my body. I'd never be the same again, and it took me up until now to admit that. I started to drift off and eventually I fell asleep. A while later I wake up and it's already 8pm. I was hungry. The apple I had all day yesterday, clearly wasn't sufficient enough, says my growling stomach anyhow. My mother was either in her room or out on the street somewhere, so it didn't surprise me to find no dinner on the kitchen table, as usual. I check the fridge for something, anything I could manage to swallow that is. All I could find was bread and mouldy cheese. Needless to say, friends never came over. Well, friends as in Eva, my only friend. I always went to her house, although it was never her own house that I'd find myself in. She lived wherever her next boyfriend lived. That, or the street. I was glad to have a home, but her boyfriend's houses always had food, and I'd choose food over anything, any day. I'm sure you're wondering why I can't just pay for my own food right? You're thinking, 'Alyson's a stripper, she most likely gets paid more than ten dollars an hour, so she can afford to pay for food.' Well you're right, I get paid more than ten dollars an hour, but my money went towards the bills and taxes my mother never paid and then of course she always found ways to steal my money. If I was lucky, I'd have a twenty dollar bill saved up for the week and although that was a very rare thing, I had one today. I had forgotten about it since I put it in my knapsack last week. Guess I'd be eating today. Anyway, I decide to head out and walk to the McDonalds near my house. I bought as much as I could, five junior chickens, three large fries and a drink. The total was $19.98, I just made it. I smile to myself, then grab a seat once I get my food. When I take a bite into the junior chicken, my mouth savours every single bite. I chew slow, to taste the hot, steamy, fried chicken, the fresh, clean lettuce and the overload of the white, creamy mayonnaise that they always add on. The mayonnaise oozed out as I took another bite, and I could feel it on the corner of my lip, waiting there for me to lick it off. People were staring at me, but who could blame them? It looked like I hadn't eaten in weeks the way I was eating. I didn't care though. I wasn't going home hungry tonight, and that was all that mattered. By the time I finish, I'm the only one in there, along with the employees. I get up slowly and stumble a little, I was full. I head back home and as I slip my hands in my pockets to keep them warm, I find my iPod in there, and decide to put the earplugs in my ears and turn it on. Car radio, by Twenty One Pilots blasts in my ears and I continue to walk to the rhythm of the music.

Chapter 2

Today is quiet. It's Sunday evening now, and my mother was in her room passed out. Her "boyfriend" dumped her off here in the middle of the night yesterday, then left. I had to carry her up to her room. I wasn't very big you know, 5'4 and 105 pounds. A little underweight, but that was my body type. Let's just say it wasn't easy. As I sat outside her bedroom door, staring at her almost lifeless body, I couldn't help but think of all the shit she's put me through. It's sad to think that I couldn't think of one thing I loved about my mother. Not one single thing. I couldn't remember a time where she ever treated me like her daughter or like a person for that matter. I had no recollection of her being completely okay or of her being straight. There was always something wrong with her. She craved for drugs and alcohol more so than she craved for the ones she was supposed to love, my dad and I.

Her leg twitches. She was waking up now. I get up from the floor and close her bedroom door. I needed to get out of here, so I called Eva, then left. I was going to drive, but when I took the time to think about it, I realized that wasn't such a good idea. If I had gotten in the car, I don't think I would have come out of it alive. As I walk to her house, I try to think about anything other than my mother, and James came to mind. I don't know why I smiled at the thought of him, but he seemed different. I felt like something could happen between us. Maybe. Perhaps anyhow. But I wasn't sure. I was different now right? He could look at me the way everyone else does, with that stare of pity and confusion, but he didn't and that scared me. Although, he didn't because he didn't know me, not yet anyway. And once he does, he'll probably flee like everybody else. To be honest, I'm not mad or even angry at the friends that left me. In reality, people don't know how to deal with others problems. Serious ones that is. That, or they don't want to. It's too much of a burden on them and adds too much stress. Teens specifically. We're young and we don't want to have to deal with too much shit on our plate. We want to live, love, laugh and learn. We want to be free to do whatever we want to do. We want to rebel, ignore our parents, drink, go to parties and have relationships. And when someone's in the way of what they want, they abandon that thing or person within seconds. It's not necessarily on purpose and that's why I didn't blame anyone. I don't think I could handle a person who had the same amount of baggage as me. I wouldn't know how to help, and I think I would just take the easy route out, like everyone else, and leave.

Carter's house was a smaller sized condominium, with glass windows, reflecting the sun's rays and it was covered by burgundy bricks. It was pretty, not what I expected. He was older than Eva, and lived there on his own. When I banged on her door, he answered, unfortunately.

"Hey, Aly right?" He asks and opens the door wide for me to come in.

"Yeah." I say dully.

"Uh Eva's in the bathroom, she'll be out in a sec. But take a seat, make yourself at home." he says. Okay, why was he being overly nice? I sit. He sits down too and for a while we just look around the room, avoiding that awkward thing, called eye contact.

"Nice jacket." He says, trying to start a conversation. I look down at my rugged, old, worn out leather jacket and think, 'he must be joking,'

"This?" I ask.

"Yeah. I mean it looks old, but that's what I like about it."

"Oh. Thanks, I guess." I reply. I still didn't like him.

"You'll like me eventually." He says.

"Oh? What makes you so sure?"

"It's either you will or I'll make you. It's that simple." He replies and stares coldly. Just then Eva comes out. Thank God, I think.

"Hey." She says and sits down beside me. "What are you guys talking about?" None of us says a word. "Okay, well did Carter tell you about the party we're having this Friday?"

"No." I reply.

"Well it's going to be crazy. He let me invite everyone from our school and he invited some of his friends from university. I bet he could hook you up with one of them." She says and winks.

"This Friday?"

"Yeah, why? Don't tell me you have something planned, I know you."

"I might be working."

"Book it off then."

"I don't know if I can."

"Why are you trying to ruin everything? Don't you want friends Aly? Come on, live a little." I look away from her and I can see Carter staring at me from across the room.

"Babe, if she doesn't know how to have fun, then so be it. Leave her alone." says Carter.

"Yeah, you're right, whatever."

"I'll go." I say and look up at him coldly.

"Good. It starts at nine. Be there." replies Eva.

"Okay, sounds fine to me. But I don't want to be set up with any of his friends."

"Wasn't going to happen anyway Hun." says Carter. Eva stares at me angrily.

"What?" I say.

"Can you be a little nicer please."

"He's an ass hole Eva."

"An ass hole who pays for the bills and lets me sleep here." She whispers.

I roll my eyes. "Whatever. Are we going to do something or what?"

"Yeah Carter wants to go to his friends. Smoke some pot and what not."

"Pot? Since when did you smoke pot?"

"Since now." She says sternly.

"What are you afraid of?" asks Carter.

"I'm not into drugs alright."

"So what does the bitch do?" He asks Eva. Before I can even say anything, Eva jumps in.

"Look her mom --"

"Eva!" I interrupt.

"What? It's not like it's a big secret."

"Whatever, I'm out of here." I say then get up and head towards the door.

"Oh come on, don't be such a baby."

"What about her mom?" He asks on purpose.

"She's an alcoholic and has a drug problem."

"Haha ah, so perfect miss Aly, has some issues. Come here baby, I can make it better."

I leave their house before I start to cry and slam their door shut. All I could hear was laughter as I left. Look, I didn't blame Eva for taking his side and not sticking up for me. You probably think I'm crazy for staying friends with someone like that, but honestly, how could I blame her? She has her own issues, just like anyone else. She needed a place to stay, she wanted love and finding random guys and living in their homes, was real love to her. If that helped her in any kind of way, then so be it. I wasn't about to bitch at some chick for craving attention. Fuck, that's what I wanted, wasn't it? I was a stripper for God sakes. And even though I knew the men at the strip club didn't love me, they certainly wanted me, and to be wanted was good enough for me. Tears started to flood my cheeks. I didn't want this life, this isn't where I pictured myself a few years back. I thought I'd be the captain of the cheer leading team, valedictorian, vice president and maybe even the prom queen. But that wouldn't happen now. It was simply not realistic for me.

I find myself lost on some street called Laurelson Avenue. It's cold out and I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. My body shivers, but I continue to walk until I see some street lights. As I get to the end of the street, I realize that it's a dead end. It was just the back end of an apartment building. Sketchy. It was exactly the kind of set up you saw on TV. A dark alley with one street light on, and that one large garbage barrel that always contained the human remains of a perfect stranger. It was all there, needless to say I was shaking in my boots. I turn away and head back towards the direction I came from, but out of nowhere a loud bang echoes across the entire alley way. I jump and my heart starts to race. I can hear foot steps behind me, but I'm too scared to look. I want to run, but my body remains frozen. 'Run Aly,' was all I kept saying to myself, but nothing. I was as immobile as a rock. The footsteps I heard from a distance turn into the heavy breathing I could not only hear, but feel on the back of my neck. I tense up. The person behind me puts one hand on my waist and all I could do was shut my eyes. Whomever it is, starts to glide their hand in between my legs, then grope me. All of a sudden, I can hear someone coming down the street in our direction, and I assume the man behind me hears too, because in a matter of seconds he is gone. I open my eyes and start to run. Tears pour down my face. As my legs pound and my breathing becomes shallower, all I can think of is how lucky I am. I was in public now. People could see me. I had found my way out, so I stop for a moment to catch my breath, but I just collapse to the floor and bawl my eyes out. I know people are staring at me, and I know some are either frightened or concerned, but it didn't matter to me. As my eyes shed tears, I can't help but go back to that moment in the alley way. I replay each touch in my head and I feel sick. I want to throw up, but I can't.

"Are you okay?" asks a young woman in a dark purple jacket.

As she checks my face for any scratches or scars, I am stunned by her beauty. She had an oval shaped face, with high cheek bones, dark brown piercing eyes, a beautiful smile and flawless brown skin.

"Um Yeah, I'm fine." I say shyly.

"Here, let me help you up." She says and puts out her hand.

"I'm Hailey."

"Aly." I reply, looking away. I didn't want her to know me.

"What happened?" She asks concerned.

"Nothing. I just felt sick." I lie. She has a worried look on her face, but doesn't push.

"You know, I was heading out for some lunch, and I know we just met, but I could use the company. My treat." She asks and smiles.

"Um-" I hesitate.

"Come on, it won't hurt."

"Okay, sure, thanks." I reply.

As we walk, she does most of the talking. I find out that she's some guidance counsellor at this high school down the street. She has two dogs and a pet fish named Toto, odd, I know. She was married too, but didn't have any kids, yet anyway. Hailey's doctor told her she couldn't have kids, but she told me she wasn't going to stop trying. Eventually we get to the restaurant, and we both end up ordering a pizza with everything on it. She started talking about her husband a lot. I could tell she really loved him, the way her whole face lit up every time she said his name.

"He's a police officer. John, that is." she smiles, "I worry a lot though. It's hard not knowing if he's alright. I get scared thinking about all the things that could potentially happen to him. When he first told me that was his profession a while back when we were dating, I wasn't sure if I should stay with him or not. But, Aly, he's the most beautiful man you could ever meet. And I mean that in both aspects, inside and out. He's perfect. I don't know what I'd do without him." I smile. After we finish, she offers to drive me home, but I tell her that I'd like to walk instead. Before I go though, she gives me her number and tells me to come by the school anytime I want to talk.

"Thanks."

"No worries. Are you sure you don't want a ride? She asks.

"Yeah, it's okay. Thank you."

"Bye." She smiles and waves.

"Bye." I reply, then walk off.

Home

I get home at two in the morning and go straight to bed. I had school the next day and I wasn't about to lose any sleep over what happened today. I wanted to be fully awake and aware at school, after all, it was my home away from home. I mean, I was there for half of the day you know, although, it was a better home, because even though I didn't have many friends, I was out of this crap hole.

My alarm goes off and I whine and moan searching for the off button. Monday mornings were the worst. I eventually get out of bed and for a moment I remember last night, but quickly erase it from my mind and head into the shower. When I get to school, I get to class early so that Ms. Flan isn't mad. I don't want any trouble today, I just want to be okay for once. One minute before the bell goes, James comes walking in and smiles as he comes down the aisle to sit beside me.

"Hey Aly." He says.

"Hey." I reply with a smile. "How was your weekend?"

"It was great, thanks. Had a basketball game on Saturday and we won, so I'm pretty happy about that."

"Oh awesome! You play?" I ask, he didn't seem like the type.

"Yeah, since I was five." He says and smiles, "What about you, how was your weekend?"

"It was okay."

"Just okay?" he asks concerned.

"Yeah urm -"

"Okay class settle down, it's time to start today's lesson." says Ms. Flan. Phew, saved by Ms. Flan. Never thought I'd say that. As she talked, I could tell that James was looking at me, as if he knew something was wrong, but I wasn't helping, the way I held my body together. I looked uncomfortable, and I was. I didn't want to talk about last night, and I wasn't about to open up to a perfect stranger. When class was over, James waited for me to pack up and even walked me to my next class. He didn't ask about my weekend again, and I was glad for that.

"Wanna hang for lunch?" He asks.

"Sure." I reply and smile.

"Cool," he says and smiles, "see you later."

"Bye." As I'm in class, all I do is stare at the clock, watching the second hand slowly tick, tick. Anyone could tell I was getting anxious. But hello, James was attractive, I mean, really, really attractive. And I hadn't had a boyfriend in, okay well let's be honest, I've never had a boyfriend. Needless to say I was petrified over this mini lunch date, if you could even call it that. Is it sad that I'm this nervous? Actually, fuck your opinion. I don't care. The bell finally rang and once I stepped out of the class, James was there, waiting for me. I smile.

"Hey." I say.

"Hey, how was class?"

"Meh. it was alright." We ended up going to this park near the school, and we talked and talked for hours. We didn't even realize that by the time we were done, school was over. Before he left, I decided to invite him to the party that was on Friday and he agreed to go. He then gave me a hug and kissed my cheek and said, "I'll see you tomorrow." As he walked off, I smiled. I stayed at the park for a while, but as it got much darker out, I drove back home.

As I open the front door, I was forced to walk into what I called my hell hole. Once I close the door, I was enclosed inside this cold, four brick walled box, cage rather. There was no escaping. I could hear my mother's harsh cough from upstairs, that was so evidently from her blackened lungs, that most likely looked like coal. And then there were her footsteps. Those quiet, slow paced steps. She could hardly move anymore. Don't ask me how she still got it every night though, it beats me. Then again, they were all drunken, and abusive men that she was sleeping with, what did they really expect to get? I know what you're thinking, I'm a bitch right? Well, like Eminem says, "you'd have to walk a thousand miles in my shoes, just to see, what it's like to be me." So say and think what you want, but don't pretend you know what it's like to live my life.

I grabbed a glass of water, then headed up to my room, the only place that separated me from this place. The only enclosed, four sided room that gave me space to breathe. As I shut my eyes, images of my dad flashed before my eyes. Old memories came spiraling back, but I wanted it to stop. I wanted it to stop so bad, that I ran to the bathroom, took out my razor blade and slit my wrist. I turned on the shower full blast, to drown out my sobs and sat in the tub, curled up, rocking myself back and forth. This time, I could really taste the salt. The water that trickled down my face could not soak out the taste of my tears and that dear reader, was the worst feeling in the world. Knowing you are in pain is one thing, but feeling it, that was an entirely different story.

Morning

I don't get out of bed the next day. I can't. I could feel the weight on my shoulders bringing me down today and that weight crushed my entire soul. I couldn't for the life of me remember getting out of the bathtub last night. I look down at my wrist and I feel numb. I feel so low, that I decide to search through my mother's room for any drug I could take to mask this pain away. I find some weed, snatch it from her top drawer and smoke it in my room until I am as high as a kite. Moments later my phone rings, but I ignore it. It goes off again, so this time I answer.

"Hello?"

"Hey Aly, it's Eva."

I laugh, for no reason at all. "Helloooo Evaaa."

"Are you alright?"

"Never better toots." I reply.

"Oh my God, Aly are you high?"

"BAKED!" I shout and laugh till I cry.

"Aly, what are you doing? You're not like that. What's wrong?" She replies with worry in her voice. I didn't understand. As high as I was, it sounded like she actually cared. Strange.

Go fuck yourself Eva, like you really give a fuck." I say then chuck my phone across the room. I lay there in my bed and felt, well I felt nothing at all. It was amazing. Whatever this was, no wonder my mother liked it so much, it was as if I had no troubles at all. Nothing to worry about. Life was great, for now anyways. I laughed, no I giggled and then I started to cry. I couldn't remember the last time I laughed this hard. Awhile later, as the high was starting to wear off, I fell asleep.

Chapter 3

It was Friday. The day of Carter's huge party. Everybody was talking about it at school and as I was about to head out to go home, that was when James ran into me. I roll my eyes. I just didn't want to talk today.

"Hey, I was looking for you!" He says and smiles. I can't help but smile back.

"Oh, hey. Sorry, I always disappear somewhere." I say sounding apologetic.

"Haha no kidding. But it's okay. I found you." He laughs.

"Yeah, haha. What can I do for ya?"

"I just wanted to know if you were still going to be at that party tonight?" He asks shyly.

"Well are you still planning on being there?" I ask and smile.

"Yeah I -"

"Then I'll be there." I reply.

"Oh, great!" He smiles. "Do you need a ride or anything?"

"No." I reply rather quickly. I didn't want him to see the inside of my house.

"Haha okay." He says looking confused.

"Sorry, it's just, I have a car. I have to be there early to help set up is all." I lie. But he buys it.

"Oh. Well no worries. I'll see you later then?" He asks.

"Yeah, James. You'll see me later."

He smirks.

"What?" I ask.

"Nothing, it' just you've never said my name before. I kind of like it when you say it."

"Oh. haha." I blush.

"See you around kiddo," he says then kisses my cheek. "You're blushing, did you know that?" He says then walks away smiling. I turn away, grinning from ear to ear. He made me smile, what can I say? And that was the only reason I was going to this party tonight.

When I got home I was stuck with the dilemma of what to wear. Eventually though, I decide to wear my tight, lace black dress, mini black high heel boots, and I even decide to curl my auburn brown hair and add red lipstick to my lips. I think I not only looked good, but felt good too. It was the weirdest feeling. Anyway, once I finish applying the last stroke of mascara, I grab my purse then head out the door. As I walk up Carters driveway, and look around, I immediately feel out of place and slightly awkward. It was as if people didn't recognize me, because Jake, the captain of the football team just said "Hey good looking." I could smell pot everywhere, but it didn't bother me, I was used to the smell. Once I walked inside, I decided to look for Eva, but everywhere I looked, I couldn't find her. James was too preoccupied to even notice me, so I went upstairs to snoop around. See what Carter was all about. A few moments later I felt a tap on my shoulder. I jumped.

"Oh it's you." I reply.

"Aly?" asks Carter shocked.

"Yeah what, you've never see a chick get dressed up before?.. Anyways do you know where Eva is?"

"N- I mean, yeah she's in my room, i'll show you. Come on."

"Thanks." I replied. Guess he could be nice for a day. As we walked down the dark hallway, I could see a light where his room was, so he let me go ahead of him and I walked right in. He then closed the door behind him, and Eva wasn't where he said she was.

"She's not here." I say annoyed and try to walk around him to get to the door, but he blocks me. "What the fuck Carter, move." I keep trying to walk around him but he kept holding me back and then eventually he pushed me down on the bed and pinned me down.

"Get off of me!" I scream. I tried to scream even louder, but I knew no one could hear me with the music playing so loud. He started to undress me and I fought him, I fought hard.

"No, stop it." I kept repeating over and over.

"Shut up bitch." He says then forces himself inside me. I Keep moving, but i'm struggling under his body weight. There was no way I was going to get raped. "Please." I begged. But, nothing. He fucked me harder every time that I screamed, so I eventually just stopped all together and let him rape me. I lay there emotionless and empty, numb. Numb, yes. That was the feeling I was waiting for. Frank Ocean's lyrics came to mind in this moment, "I can't feel a thing,
I can't feel, can't feel a thing." And I loved it. This alone, was a high for me. When Carter was done with me, he held my chin with his fingertips, licked his lips and said, "thank you sweetheart, I didn't get to finish last time." I couldn't move. He was the guy in the alley way that night. I just stared into his eyes and he did too, not a single tear strolled down my cheek. When he left the room, he closed the door behind him but I wasn't going to just lay there this time. I got up from the bed and ran down the stairs, James saw me as I was headed towards the door, but as soon as he grabbed my arm, I shout "don't touch me!" and continue to run, run right out the door and all the way home. Except it was right there and then that I decided home was no longer my home. I called Hailey, She was the only person I could think of that could help me. Despite being the fact that it was 3 in the morning, I gave it a shot.

“Ring, ring, ring....hello?” it was a man’s voice. At first I thought I called the wrong house, but then I remembered that she had a husband.

“John?” I ask.

“Yes?” He asks, “Is this the police station?” Oh right, he’s a cop. Do I hang up now or do I stay on the phone.

“Um no. My name’s Aly. I’m one of Hailey’s friends. I know it’s late, but this is kind of serious, can I talk to her?”

“Of course! Hold on a minute okay?”

“Yeah.” I say and almost start to cry. I could feel it now. The numb feeling wearing off.

“Are you okay?” He asks. Oh, he heard me choke up at the end. Shit.

“Yeah. I’m -...” I couldn't finish the sentence before balling my eyes out.

“Hey, Aly right? Don’t cry. Hailey’s passed out right now, I can’t wake her up. But uhm you can talk to me if you’d like. What’s the problem?”

“I need a place to stay. I know you don’t know me but I can’t go home. Is that okay? I mean I shouldn’t ask you that, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called. I’m sorry, I-”

“Where are you? I’ll come and get you wherever you are.”

A perfect stranger would do that for me? “What?” I say confused.

“I’m a cop, it’s what I do sweetheart”

“I’m at 45 Makenson way.”

“Okay, I’ll be there in a bit. You alright by yourself though?”

“Yeah, I’ll be okay. Thank y-” He hung up before I could finish. What if he starts to question me? What if he wants to know why I'm crying? Why I can't stay at home? Why I called so late at night? And what if I didn't want to answer? All these questions flowed through my head as I waited at the end of the driveway. I was shocked to see a red, beat up, mud stained truck pull up at the side of my house. I guess I was expecting something a little more flashy, maybe even his police car. Anything but that. A tall, muscular, buzzed cut white male steps out of the car, with a concerned look on his face, while smiling at the same time. He had a beautiful smile. Perfect, straight white teeth and a little scruff around his face. Wow, Hailey did well I thought to myself. I smiled a little.

"Aly?" He asks, unsure.

"Yeah. John?" I ask and get up.

"That's me! You alright kid?" He asks and looks at me directly in the eyes.

"I'll be okay." I say.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" He asks. Oh great. He was going to grill me until I confessed about everything.

"I'm kind of tired. Do you mind if I just wait till tomorrow?" I ask quietly.

"Aly-"

"Look," I cut him off, "I really do appreciate you coming all this way to come and get me and I can completely understand if you won't drive me to your place for not telling you what's wrong, but I don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry." I then turn back towards my house but he stops me.

"Hey, if you don't want to talk. You don't have to. Come on, let me drive you back to my place alright?" I look up at him, a little hesitant, but get in the truck and put on my seat belt. As he drives, he turns on the radio, and John Mayer's song, 'Free Falling' comes on and for once I can breathe. The car ride was quiet and I liked it that way. I stared into the night and let the music carry me away. There wasn't much outside where they lived. Just open road and a few trees. It was peaceful in a sense. I rolled down the window and rested my arm on the ledge then laid my head down and that was when John Mayer came in and sang "and I'm free falling..." When we got to his and Hailey's place, I was stunned by its intricate beauty. It was in the country, so it wasn't modern at all. It was old, and small. However, there was something so charming about its petite size and white picket fence that surrounded it. The house was built from dark burgundy bricks and I could see tomatoes growing from the back of the house. A garden. I couldn't see all of it, but from what I could see, it was tasteful. A cute little cabin was what it looked like. Something I could see myself living in as I got older. As I was analyzing the house, I had forgotten where I was for a moment, meaning forgetting John was just standing there, waiting for me to go inside.

"Sorry." I say and laugh timidly.

"No worries kid. Come on in." He said then opened the door and let me walk in first. Two dogs came running to the door as I walked through. One husky, Charlie and one German Sheppard, Red. I giggle as they jump on top of me and knock me down.

"Alright, get off of her boys." says John and pulls them by their collars. They were friendly and really well trained, but I liked Charlie the best. It was his husky blue eyes that got me. His eyes were as blue as the Mediterranean Sea, simply beautiful. John pauses for a brief moment and just stares at me. I stare back at him and it was as if he could see right through me, right through my pain. I quickly turn away and he then says, "I'll show you the guest room." He walks ahead of me and I follow. When he shows me the room, he says he'll see me in the morning and heads to bed. After washing my face and brushing my teeth, with the blue toothbrush I found in their bathroom cabinet, I crawl into the queen-sized bed, with the white and blue satin sheets. It was cozy and warm and the blankets held me close as if they were a man's arms surrounding me. I shut my eyes while smiling and fall asleep.

Morning

I awake to the chirping of birds, outside the left window. It was only 7 in the morning, but I got up anyway. I needed to smoke. I noticed there was a balcony out from the room I was in and decide to go on it. Once I stepped outside, I took a deep breath to smell the fresh air. It was orgasmic. I look at the sun peering out of the clouds, then take out my cigarette and light it. I lean my back against the window and put the cigarette in my mouth. I close my eyes, and all I could see was Carter, I then blew out the smoke and his face faded away. A tear streams down my cheek and I contemplate jumping off their balcony. But, then again, I don't think I could die from jumping off a two story building. I sigh. I know, it's pathetic really. I just get these thoughts in my head, once in a while. Sometimes I think life would be easier if I was just dead. You know? I could hear their alarm clock radio go off in my room, and a song came on. Not just any song, Sia's song, Chandelier. My eyes remained shut and as she sang the lyrics "And I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes, keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight," tears shed down my face uncontrollably, like the water from the Niagara falls. Life was a joke. There wasn't anything beautiful about it. I think I could survive on love, but love didn't exist, it was a figment of my imagination. Something I created in my mind. Love, like life, are merely four letter words that fuck everyone's lives up.

Sia was a great singer you know. There was something unique and different about her voice, that it could make you feel things on so many different levels. Her voice made my body shiver. She was a genius. Shy, but brilliant. Odd, but artistic. She was amazing, but it was like she didn't know it. Sia, is an interesting individual and this song made my heart melt like chocolate on a hot summer’s day. My heart hurt, dear reader, it hurt like hell.

“urm Aly.” interrupted Hailey.

I jumped, startled. I quickly brushed my tears away and forced a smile. “Hi.” I say.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. How are you? Are you okay?” She asks and comes over and puts her arms around me, and squeezes tightly. I put my arms around her too, I wasn’t expecting to be held so dear. I inhaled her sweet perfume and for a moment felt some peace. There was just this calm feeling you felt when you were with her. I loved her, already.

“It’s okay really. I’m fine.” I say. She gives me the look. “Okay, I'm not fine, but I'll survive. Is that better?” She smiles slightly, but she’s concerned and I can tell. ”Thank you,” I say, “for letting me sleepover.”

“Oh well of course. You’re welcome to stay for as long as you want sweetie, but you’re going to have to open up a bit, if you want to stay okay?” I look away from her. “Okay?” She asks again, more sternly.

“But John said -”

“Hun, I’m not trying to hurt you. But we can’t let you stay here if we don’t know anything. What about your mother? Maybe she’s worried about you. I need to know something honey. Let me in, Aly please.”

“My mother’s an alcoholic and a drug addict and she has been ever since I can remember. I’m sure she probably hasn’t even realized that I'm not home, because she can barely walk or talk half the time. She’s probably shooting herself up right now as we speak or out on the streets sucking dick for more drug money. Is that what you want to hear Hailey? Oh and my dad? He’s dead. And there’s a whole bunch of other shit that I could tell you, but I don’t feel like talking about it. Why do I have to talk about anything huh? Why did you want me to tell you this stuff? I don’t want to remember that my life sucks. I don’t. I don’t want to have to go to work today and excite a gentlemen with how little clothes I have on and with how well I can move my body. But I have to, cause that’s my life.” I say all of this, without even taking a second to pause in between sentences. For a couple of minutes she just stares at me, unsure of what to say or do. She looks shocked and upset at the same time. “You don’t have to say anything. I’ve got work anyway.” I say then walk around her and take a quick shower. As I step out of the shower and wrap myself in the black towel she laid out for me, I walk out of the bathroom and her and John are both standing there. "Let's not talk about it right now okay?" I say angrily and grab my clothes.

"Sit down." shouts John. I gulp.

"You're not my dad okay?" I say calmly.

"No I'm not. And I'm not trying to be Aly, but I want to help you. We both do. And like Hailey said, if you want to live in this house, you got to live by our rules. And you need to tell your mother that you're here or at least let us."

"But-"

"No buts alright?" Wow, I forgot what it was like to have parents, or rules for that matter.

"Okay. Can I go now?" I say without looking at either of them.

Work

"Hey kid, haven't seen you in a while." says Sierra.

All I could think of in that moment was, 'Was she raped too?' or 'did she and Richard have a thing?' "How are you?" I ask. She knew exactly what I was talking about. She frowned for a moment.

"I'll be okay. thanks. How have you been?" She wanted to avoid the subject, but that would put me in a position to lie and I didn't want to lie to her. I wanted to tell someone what happened, I figured she'd be the only one who could understand. So, I answer her question.

"I was raped." She pauses, and stares at me, stunned.

"I'm sorry, what did you just say?"

"I was raped. Friday night, by my friends boyfriend."

"Oh my God Aly, I'm so sorry. How? What happened."

"I was at his party and he led me to his room because he told me that's where my friend was, but he just locked the door and then, well you know." I say, my voice almost about to crack. "I just needed to tell someone. I thought maybe you'd understand or know what to do."

"That night you saw me and Rich, he raped me too. I didn't want you to interfere Aly, because I didn't know what he'd do to you. I'm sorry you had to see that and I'm sorry that you had to go through the same thing." We both hugged one another tightly. "Aly, Rich is a bad guy. He works with bad people, don't get into anything with him okay? Just do what he says and he'll leave you alone." I look at her confused for a moment and then realize, that when he raped her, it was because she had done him wrong, and she was warning me.

"Okay." I say. We let go of one another as Richard comes into the room and act as if nothing had happened.

"Aly, welcome back." He kisses my cheek and I lean away. "Fiesty today hm? I like it. You're on in 2." I look away. "Everybody listen up," He says as all the strippers gather around, "Guess what today is? Pay day!"

All the girls excluding Sierra and I, cheer and shout and then return to their tables and get dressed. Rich leaves and Sierra and I look at one another for a brief moment, with so much more understanding and love for each other and eventually we break our gaze and I start my shift.

Shift's over

As I was walking back to my new home, a black Lexus pulls up beside me. And my body freezes. As the window rolls down, I start to see who the mysterious guy is behind it. It was James. What the fuck was he doing here? I think to myself.

"Aly?"

"Hey." I say awkwardly. Was he following me this whole time? "What are you doing down here?"

"I'm just visiting my dad at work." He says. I laugh. He must be joking. Down here? In this neighbourhood? I don't think so. I stripped in the most low down part of the city.

"You're joking?" I say with a smile. He looks pissed. Shit, the last person I wanted to upset was James.

"No. He works at, well it's kind of embarrassing, but he works at Molly's." He says with a nervous laugh. I tense up. His dad was Richard. Well either that or the gay guy who works at the bar, and my money was on Rich.

"Oh." I say, not knowing what else to say.

"Haha yeah, I hope you don't think of me any differently, it's my dad that works there not me. And I'm certainly not one of his slut strippers, haha."

I gulp. Ouch. "Haha." I reply, the sad thing was he didn't realize how much that hurt me.

"Aly, I meant to ask you, but what happened at the party. You asked me to come, but then you just disappeared on me, and you looked really upset."

"Oh, yeah sorry about that. I just didn't feel well." I lie and he knows it. My hands start to sweat, I was nervous.

"Want a ride?"

"No it's okay, thanks."

"You sure? It's no big deal, really." He asks again.

"Yeah I'm fine."

"You know, it's not healthy to keep things inside." He says and smirks.

"I'm fine James, I don't want to talk." I say a little more bitchy than I meant to make it.

"Okay. I'm just trying to help. I like you, you know, if that matters to you at all."

"I'm sorry. I just can't okay." I say and start to walk again. This time I can hear the car door slam behind me, he wasn't going to let me leave.

"Aly, please." He says as he catches up to me. He stands in front of me and I can't even look at him. I couldn't look at him if I was going to tell him everything and I certainly couldn't look right into his face and lie through my teeth either. He lifts my chin with the tip of his index and middle finger, and says "I'm right here." An unwanted tear slides down my cheek, and for some reason I can't control the sobs that I can feel building up in my chest. I clutch on to him like how someone overboard would clutch onto a life jacket. He kisses the top of my head.

"You're going to be okay Aly, okay?"

"James," I whisper, "just hold me." He squeezes me tighter and doesn't let go. He ends up driving me to John's house, but I don't get out.

"Aly?" He asks concerned. I look up at him. "I want to ask you something, but please be honest with me."

"James I-"

"Kiddo, please." He cuts me off.

"Okay."

"Are you okay?" He asks, and as simples as that question may be, I take my time to reply. I ask myself, am I okay? in that moment, and I answer it rather quickly in my head.

"No." I finally reply.

"You know you can tell me anything right?"

"I don't know." I say and look away from his sharp gaze.

After a few moments in silence, I say goodbye and get out of his car. I watched as his car backed out of the paved driveway and for some reason I felt more alone than I had ever felt in my whole life. I needed my dad. As I started walking up the porch, John and Hailey were coming out the door. I couldn't look them in the eyes.

“We were just heading out for dinner.” says John with a sympathetic smile.

“Oh.” I say.

“Do you want to come with us sweetie? We feel bad about what happened this morning.” says Hailey.

“No it’s okay, but I think I'm going to head back over to my mother's tonight. Thanks for letting me stay here last night and sorry for any trouble that I caused you.” They stared at me puzzled, but before I could hear what Hailey was going to say next, I brushed passed her and John, and ran up the stairs to get my sweater and leave. I heard their car door slam and once their engine turned on, I headed back down the stairs and left. I wasn't going back home. I didn't know where to go to be honest. I felt so lost. I thought maybe I'd just disappear. I mean wouldn't that be the best thing for everyone? I wouldn't be a bother to anyone anymore and my mother certainly wouldn't miss me. I don’t know, I just wanted to be loved. Haha, is that silly? To still believe in something I feel so skeptical about. Maybe not, I mean there are those who are skeptical about God but still choose to believe in him. But Is he real? Like love, is it just something we created to make ourselves feel good. To make ourselves feel like we have a purpose. Maybe we don't have one, have you ever thought of that? I mean let’s think about it, say there is no heaven and there is no God, what would be the point of the homeless people downtown, living their lives penniless? What would be the point of being the popular girl in school or the nerd who gets picked on? If we have absolutely no meaning to this world, then what the fuck are we doing here? If we're all going to die and the world ends one day, what exactly is the point?

I started walking down the street, and as I was walking I came upon a river bank in the middle of a forest. I picked up a rock and chucked it into in the water. I just watched as the rock jumped and skipped over and above the water. In a way this was kind of peaceful. Out of nowhere I heard a scuffling sound coming from the trees, and this time I didn’t even flinch. If something was going to happen to me again, this wouldn't be the first. I listened as the noise came closer and I closed my eyes, all of a sudden I felt a wet nose touch the tip of my knuckles and as I opened my eyes I got jumped on by Charlie and Red, I started to laugh. I guess they followed me from the back door.

“Hi guys.” I say, with a slight smile on my face. I was on the ground, but I didn't want to get up. I lay there with my back against the mud and my face towards the sky as Charlie lay down beside me and Red let me rest my head against his fur. I turned my iPod on and played the cover of Holding out for a Hero by Morgan Rawbone. Her voice gave me the chills and put me at ease.

It felt good to feel the warmth of their fur. I smiled as I snuggled up closer to Charlie. I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.

I awoke to Charlie’s quiet snarl, as he stared at the squirrel scurrying by. It was almost midnight according to my iPod. ‘Shit’ I thought, Hailey and John must be wondering where their dogs are. I get up from the ground much faster than I wanted to and headed back. Guess I’d be staying there for another night after all.

“Red let’s go!” I say and whistle at him, before he strays off. Charlie was more well trained than Red, that’s for sure. Charlie was more serious, whereas Red was just a big old goof. However, I know they’d both protect me and the ones they loved in a heartbeat. As I walked through the forest, I took my time to admire the nature around me. The tall trees, stretched up high to the sky. Their branches in perfect condition, some arched, while others spread their arms out straight. The sky, dark blue with bits and pieces of light blue. The ground, mud rather, turned dark brown from the light drizzle that was falling at this very moment. And the stars, they were as bright as ever tonight. The brightest I’d ever seen. It was quite beautiful. It was like something you’d see in a movie scene. The perfect cottage trip would look something like this, the only thing missing was the fire pit and people of course. Then for some reason, I thought of my dad. He’d love to see this. He taught me how to admire true beauty. True beauty he said, was in the simplest things. The colour of a butterfly's wings, the colour of the sunset, a baby, or the clutch of another human beings hand in yours. A tear slid down my cheek, I wasn't sad reader, I was happy. For once, these were happy tears. As I approached John and Hailey's house, I could see them on the driveway looking around, calling out for Charlie and Red. Sure enough as we got closer, they both bolted towards them.

“There you guys are!” says Hailey while giggling.

“They followed me when I left.” I say quietly, but loud enough for them to hear.

“Boys, is that true?” asks John as if he were scolding his own children. The dogs looked away. I smiled, it was kind of funny. “Thanks for bringing them back eh?"

“Yeah.” I say, unsure of what to say now.

"Aly, just stay the night." says Hailey ever so quietly. "Please." She mutters. I closed my eyes and my body shivered as I took a deep breath.

"Okay." I reply once I open my eyes. I wanted to give up on life so much. Once I got inside their home, I went straight to my temporary room and locked the door. I had been trying so hard to live dear reader. I had tried really, really hard to stay here. To believe life could get better, but it can't, at least not for me. Maybe something was wrong with me. Maybe I was put here accidently. This wasn't exactly what my heart expected. I didn't think life would be this complicated. I was going to use a gun tomorrow and end my life. It was my only option...

Chapter 4

All night I thought of different ways to kill myself. Where to shoot?, what would be the quickest way?, what would hurt less? But thinking about it made me even more nervous. Could I actually commit suicide, was I brave enough to pull the trigger or was I a wuss? I screamed into the pillow and started to cry. How did you get out of a world you didn't belong in without feeling any pain, better yet, how could you stay in a world where all you felt was pain? I figured I had no other option. It's not like my mother was looking for me anyway. And I could be with my dad if heaven was really real. I smiled at the thought, but it faded quickly. I wasn't a happy person. I was hurt, heartbroken, scarred and damaged. I've become numb to almost everything and I didn't like that feeling anymore. I wanted to feel, I wanted to feel anything, but I couldn't, nothing affected me anymore, nothing moved me. I was basically dead already. I decided I'd do it at midnight, Hailey would be asleep and John would be out on his night shift. They wouldn't even notice me not there, until morning, and by then it'd be too late. Just then my phone rang. I picked up.

"Hello?"

"Aly??? Where have you been? I've been worried sick, why haven't you answered your phone?" replies Eva.

"I didn't know you called." I say and then stare at my phone messages, 6 missed calls. I guess I didn't notice.

"I've left you 6 fucking messages, where are you? You haven't been to school in a while." She says sounding worried.

"I didn't think you cared." I say dryly.

"Aly you need to come back. I need to talk to you."

"About what? Your boyfriend? Cause I honestly don't give a shit, he's an ass hole."

"Aly please, I need you. I have no one. Carter left me and I'm back on the streets."

"Yeah well it was bound to happen eventually. I have my own shit to deal with, talk to somebody who cares."

"Aly -," she's crying, "Please..." I hang up the phone. Harsh. I know. Don't lecture me alright. I was planning on killing myself today, wasn't really in the mood to deal with somebody else's problems. Contemplating death was enough shit to deal with already. She'd be fine. I think. Maybe I should call her back, I think to myself. I try calling her back, but she doesn't answer. I figure she'll call me back later when she's calmed down, so I just lay in my bed and wait. Hours go by and I haven't even gotten up to eat anything. Hailey came in once or twice to check up on me, and then left for work.

It was getting late now, John was out and Hailey was getting ready for bed. I decided to jump from the balcony so she wouldn't hear me leaving. Once I was outside I walked home. When I got there, the house was empty. I went upstairs and grabbed the gun from my mom's closet and before I left, I decided to bring my car keys, so I could drive around until I found the perfect spot. As I headed down the stairs, I was startled to see my mother walk through the front door. I paused. The gun was clearly visible in my right hand. What was she thinking? What was she going to say? I swallowed my saliva. She stopped too, when she saw the gun. I continued to walk down the stairs. I felt uncomfortable. I didn't know what to say. I was hoping that maybe she would. Maybe she'd say something that would make me change my mind, but she just stared at me, then walked away. A tear slid down my cheek and I walked out the door. She didn't try to stop me. SHE LET ME GO! I ran into my car and put the keys in the ignition and pulled out of the drive way and drove off. I was crying hard, I was going I was going 100 m/ph in a 40 m/ph road. Why didn't she stop me was all I kept thinking, why didn't she ask me what I was doing? I had so many questions, I wanted her to give me the answers. I turned around... To be continued (Part 1/2)

Author Notes: Unfortunately, it doesn't finish my story. It's supposed to be 14,000 words, but only shows roughly 12000. Sorry if it ends weirdly.

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About The Author
SJAnon
Selena Joan
About This Story
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18+
Posted
6 Feb, 2020
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12,277
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61 mins
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