Yesterday my ftr-n-law, let's call him shot, asked me to go to a friends house with him and help load some stuff on his flat bed trailer. Once we got there Shot and his friend, Marvin, spent some time walking around the work shop and talking before we got started.
We had made our way back outside and Marvin was showing us what needed to be loaded up. I had to pee really bad so I asked Marvin if it was ok if I watered his oak tree. Of course he doesn't mind. We are all rednecks in South Mississippi after all, and that's what we do.
So I walk over to the tree and start my business. I'm standing there when I felt something pop the bill of my ball cap. I shu it away with my hand then I get popped again. All of a sudden a swarm of Yellow Jackets emerge from a hole in the ground in biblical proportions. The same hole that I just so happen to be peeing in. And they ain't happy.
I get stung on the back of the neck but I can't run because I can't stop peeing. Then pop on my left ear and pop, pop on my left wrist. I'm swinging my arms but I'm surrounded. Then POP!!... I get stung right on the most delicate part of the croutch known to man and my eyes cross.
I start screaming “SON OF A BISCUIT EATER!... FUDGE!... SHUT THE FRONT DOOR”... I come running around the corner right between Shot and Marvin, I'm swinging at bees with my left arm, holding my croutch with my right hand, my pants are around my knees and I'm screaming bloody murder. I'm jumping around dancing in Marvin's front yard like a lunatic with my croutch on fire.
When Shot and Marvin realize what happened they start laughing. No kidding... My crotch is on fire and they are laughing at me. I think Shot thought I was just carrying on... so I pulled it out and showed it to him. He almost passed smooth out! He looked at me, pointed at it and said “Ohhhhh! The stingers still in it”. I looked back down and sure enough it's still there. I looked back up at Shot and yelled “AM I GONNA DIE?
HELP ME!” Shot yells back “WHAT CAN I DO?' I'm like “PULL IT OUT!! PULL IT OUT!!”
I move toward Shot and he makes a run for it. “GET AWAY FROM ME!” he says. I end up chasing him around the truck with my junk in my hand yelling "PULL IT OUT! PULL IT OUT!. Then we notice Marvin's poor sweet wife standing on the porch holding a Bible and speaking in tongues.
When I tried to explain she looked me straight in the eye, shook her Bible and said "Get thee behind me Demon".
I will never pee outside again... I'm just sayin'!